Realization

I have been wondering why I have seemed happy… well maybe not happy, but not morbidly depressed and anxious up a wall all the time. I started testosterone about a month ago to help with my lack of hormones and help regulate my emotions, libido, increase moods, increase injury healing, and so on.

It just hit me after taking this cream and rubbing it on me every night and tracking my moods that I’ve been hypo manic the past two weeks and I think it relates back to the testosterone in addition to my lithium, prozac, and Abilify. I have also not smoked weed in two plus weeks as well so I think that might help reduce my anxiety levels.

As stupid expensive as it is to get this medicine ($50 a month for one month’s supply), I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth or however that saying goes. If I feel better, I won’t question it, but I won’t take it for granted either. I thought I was going to have to put myself into therapy and at the moment I don’t feel like there is a great need for it so I am holding off as long as possible.

I just talked to my dad saying that my surgery consult for the implant to help me breath and sleep with ease is coming up soon and he called it “elective surgery” and said “I should use my CPAP machine even if it leaves sores on my face”. I literally was tasked today to return my CPAP machine because I didn’t use it and now he wants me to use something that I no longer have because he doesn’t like the alternative? I told him I would pay for it. He got all butt hurt and frustrated saying no I don’t need elective surgery. I retorted with “You really think it’s safe for me to drive after I fell asleep at the wheel of a car and almost DIED? All because I don’t get any restful sleep.”

That shut him up but maybe that’s because he was ignoring me…

I am just pissed off after that conversation. This isn’t fun I don’t want an eighth surgery in ten years, I am sick of surgery but I am sick of not being able to function due to lack of sleep. There are no other cpap alternatives for me whether it be a different mask or machine they still bother me and make my face break out into pustules no matter the settings.

I am still going to the surgery consult and maybe this doctor has a different idea of how this will pan out…

I didn’t get the job at the bank which I am not surprised about. I have interviewed with this same bank like four different times and have never gotten it once. However, I do have my rescheduled pharmacy manager interview come Monday. I am hopefully because if I don’t get a job by the middle of the month, I am screwed over big time. So the sooner I work the better.

I am getting caught up on school. I did some school today and I have a small amount due before midnight on Sunday which is my deadline for most assignments each week. I am not sure how I am gonna pull off C’s this semester but time will tell. God knows I am trying!!!

I feel good overall minus that small argument with my dad. That will become resolved soon I hope….

much love,

Dani

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