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I slept like shit last night, but that seems to be the new normal. My fatigue is getting to me, but despite that, today was a good day. Definitely made up for the shitty Saturday I had last weekend with a friend of mine.

Today I was to go to a fancy seafood restaurant with an ex co worker of mine. He worked as a barista for the car dealership while I appraised used vehicles and tried to convince people to come home in a new vehicle while they were getting their current car serviced.

Now mind you, I am allergic to seafood. But I eat it anyways. It’s only if I eat a lot of it do I break out… or so I thought. So I pick him up from his residence which was a sober house so I made the connection that he was sober for a while. He held the door open for me and we were seated. He asked if I liked seafood and I said I’m allergic so he got a burger and a salad while I got a cup of clam chowder and salad. I was trying to be lady like but I didn’t know which fork to use and whatnot so he told me (it is the small fork for salad). He put the drink menu in front of me and said pick something and I told him if he was sober I didn’t have to drink. He insisted he was fine and it wasn’t a trigger for him so I had an old fashioned. The lunch was my birthday present after all.

He ordered black coffee and we talked for a hour at the restaurant. We were right next to the shipyard where I used to work so I showed him my old shop throw the gates. He was from Seattle and came over to where I live to get sober. He had been sober going on seven years and hadn’t seen much of the area since he didn’t have a car. So I took him to the little Nordic town that was one of the top places in Washington state to visit, according to a basic Google search. We walked along the waterfront, the sun was setting, I was wearing a dress and wedges because the restaurant was nice. It was really nice. He’s very kind and a good listener. We talked all kinds of things.

I took him home and was at my home by five after 6pm. Had some popcorn for dinner. Now I am writing in my bed, back in the lair. The sadness is starting to consume me again. I felt really good today, real normal like. But when I come home and I’m all alone, I come home to family, sure, but at the end of the day, I have nothing and no one.

It’s morbid and depressing but that’s how it is. I got the worst blister from walking in my wedges, right on the bottom of my foot. I took some hydroxyzine for the anxiety and for the allergic reaction I had to the clam chowder. My face, neck, and chest have broken out into hives and at first I didn’t notice it, my friend did. But it kind of subsided and now I’m all itchy and uncomfortable on top of crippling anxiety and depression. I am ready for a manic spree but I am more in a mixed state with the lack of need for sleep. I have a lot of energy during the day but I think that’s because it’s fake energy, manic energy. But at night it goes downhill quickly. Just for the record, bipolar sucks. Not that anyone here can disagree but it’s been especially shitty lately. I am so fucking paranoid and delusion filled I can’t sleep or eat. My body’s adrenaline is in full motion all the time and it is exhausting.

Can’t believe I’m saying this but I don’t even want to be in a relationship right now. I would bring someone down. I am a dead beat. Not working, haven’t been doing my school work, I mooch off my parents like a leech. I need to get my act together. I will. But it’s hard. It’s hard.

I’m not the person I want to be and I want others to enjoy being around me. My friend today kept asking if I was okay and I would just lie and say yes. I’m not good at pretending, but the truth is inevitable. I am not okay. The productive thing I did today was walk a quarter mile at the gym. I walked much further today in total, but that got me kick started. That was before the blisters though. Maybe tomorrow will be a rest and homework day to catch up and get my shit together. Hopefully I find out about my job interview on Monday and hopefully I get the job. I’m the only internal applicant so I would imagine I’m a shoe in, but I’m trying to remain calm and humble.

Well much love to all of you. Sending all the lovings and hugs to you.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. You got this. We all battle differently, but you are staying up by keeping human connections. Although you do speak too harshly on yourself. Even when it seems impossible, there has to be one thing good thing. A positive in your life. Setbacks happen but I’m learning to find where I have gotten better. Even when it’s the most minute of growth. Try to stay focused on where you want to be instead of where you’ve been.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Doesn't matter says:

      You will be fine just keep yourself on track and you will meet your goals you set for yourself sometimes just a person to talk to can help if you need a cup of coffee and a talk just ask

      Liked by 2 people

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