Back on my bullshit

Photo by Victor Freitas on

At 3am PST, I am wide awake in the lair. I have my headphones on as not to disturb anyone. I am debating driving twenty minutes to the 24/7 gym that I belong to. I restarted my gym membership this month so I am excited to start making use of it again. It is $43 bucks a month so I definitely can’t waste it and it will be a good way to use my manic energy.

I have been having trouble falling and staying asleep due to PTSD, anxiety, and agitation. I talked to my mom about it yesterday and she said she didn’t experience the PTSD, but her anxiety and agitation also get bad at night, but subsides during the day. My mom has a corneal abrasion to her eye no known cause) and she has been screaming and crying for pain meds. I have them in my possession now and I dull them out to her. I trust her to have them, but her sponsor said it was best I keep them. But my mom was worried I would take one. I laughed and told her a) I have had pain meds stolen from me (because she used to use it) and it sucks not being able to get refills and b) I have so much weed and booze in my room, I have no reason to use her stuff and c) I wouldn’t get high off one pill and nor do I want to; I would feel so guilty. It was a bitch to get them I had to wait 45 minutes at her doctor’s office to get a script because her eye doctor claimed that her main doctor had to prescribe narcotics. Luckily I was out and about after getting my birthday drink at Dutch Bros. Then I filled them for her and got everything she needed. She also has nodules on her thyroid and a slew of other medical problems. They tested her for an autoimmune disease which she doesn’t have but I pray she doesn’t have cancer of the thyroid. She has to have a biopsy next month.

Speaking of doctors, I have my surgery consult for my sleep apnea on the 15th of March. I have to go across the puget sound for an implant in my chest to regulate my sleep apnea since I can’ tolerate a cpap machine. I would be lying if I wasn’t scared. The last time I had screws and pins implanted in my body, it required another surgery to remove the hardware. Hopefully this lasts for longer than a year. I also have my orthopedic follow up on the 15th of this month. My ankle has been achy and I am worried doc will put me back into a cast and I might need a fourth surgery in four years.

Oh! I had an interview at the company I work for when I worked in the adult inpatient unit. I would be a department assistant to an outpatient team of care coordinators and therapists. It seems like there would be a lot of juggling, but the benefits is that I make at least $18/hour full time and get to work two days from home. I told them I have paralegal experience plus worked in the inpatient setting so I knew the operating system so that’s one less thing that they have to teach me. I am the only internal candidate which I hope gives me an advantage. I should hear back by Friday, the 18th, but I am hoping to hear back later today. I am confident in my interview. Hopefully I get this job it would be such a blessing.

Well I guess I’m not really back on my bullshit but I am hanging in there. I just got a lot going on. Much love to you all. Ya’ll are the best.


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