I was looking back at some old blogs from when I started Precarious Aquarius roughly two years ago. I started the blog February 10th, 2020. And man, I was in rough shape. My emotions were always disarray, tilting from manic to depressed to manic. I was riding the highs of the viewership I received and it wasn’t much but I felt as I had people cheering me on in all of my mess making; me participating in vices like gambling, sex with strangers, weird event happenings.
I felt like I was so mature at 22 knowing everything there is to know without knowing yourself or anything at all. There was nothing going to stop me from getting my way come hell or high water. I was in love with the idea of love and marriage that it was all about the covenant under God once marriage nuptials take place, but now I am not sure that marriage is going to fix the hole In my heart. I thought Diego could heal all wounds, but some he only makes larger.
Now I am almost 24 years old in 22 days. I am wishing my wisdom now shows through more than my ignorance does now a days. I wish I had an answer to my pain. I wish I had the answer to the relationship issues in my life whether they be with my boyfriend, friends, or family. I question whether or not I should go back to therapy for the self navigation part of self exploration. Part of it I feel is that I have the answers within me if I dig deep enough and the other part says I’ll never figure it out.
The not knowing is hard for me. I know I should rely and lean on God but God isn’t instantaneous; He doesn’t’t move in my time which I consider that to be better than in God’s timing. Although, I know it isn’t true but I get frustrated relying on someone else to guide my life. I should be relieved but I keep holding my breath. Why isn’t perfection and God’s timing good enough for me?
I have control issues. Letting go and letting God. Letting someone take care of me, me taking care of myself. I like to be toward the nearest door in a room in case there is a kidnapping and I have the window and doorway to exit from in this terrible situation. That’s my control issue. I don’t do heights. I can’t sleep with the lights off. I want to control ever facet of my life and that just isn’t possible.
I guess I still am a mess for anyone still reading my blog for the past two years, but within that mess, I believe there has been growth. Growth from sleeping around to monogamy. From severe gambling addiction to being gamble free for over 1 year 3 months. From DUI and wrecking my car to rarely drinking at all, and if so, only drinking responsibly.
I think medication is my only way out of the mess I created. I think that I am better medicated than I am without it. Trust me, no one dislikes taking meds more than I do, but it’s a necessary evil in order to survive. Without the mood stabilizer, anti psychotic, and anti depressant, my life would be in the shambles it was before, at the start of this blog.
*DISCLAIMER* Now this isn’t to say that everyone with mental illness should be taking medication or receive therapy. This is just works best for me in my life with my diagnosis and I like sharing what works for me because it might inspire or help someone else.
With that being said, I feel like I need to be living the life that I am presenting to you all. I am good at giving advise that I know might help others and myself, but I’m not very good at following said advice. I slowly have gotten rid of or reduced my vices, I am trying to utilize my coping skills, but my communication in a simple conversation isn’t very good. I am still shutting down and shutting out if I feel like I am being attacked. I am not perfect by any means, but I am trying to be better for myself and for those around me.
Reflection is hard. I need to do some more digging to see the past, present, and where I want my future to be.