The past few days have been…interesting. I asked to talk to Diego I think it was on the afternoon of the 1st. I asked him how things were going and quick *DISCLAIMER* I asked his permission to include this information as long as his side of the story was set straight for the record. Now that that is said, I will continue.

Diego admitted to me and *TRIGGER WARNING* that he had some suicidal ideation and had a suicide plan if things were to come to that. He has great feelings of apathy toward all regards of his life, but just not to the point of missing work or not paying the mortgage of his house. His mind bounces around from just selling the house and moving elsewhere to start a new life. That way his debts would be paid off and he’d have a little money leftover. He just applied to my old work place and got an interview for Wednesday. I think that a new job would be good for him, especially in the field of mental health as it is very rewarding. However, if he goes in with this negative mindset, no. That’s the wrong word. If he goes to work there and isn’t addressing his own emotions and feelings, it could wreck him further than now.

He told me a pretty graphic way of how he would commit suicide with tears in his eyes. We also talked about our relationship and he said he didn’t know or care either way if I stayed or left. We picked up the topic today when we went out for dinner and he said that I had the right to leave or stay that it shouldn’t be up to him. He often asked me over the course of a few months, “Do we love each other because we’re comfortable with each other or are we in love with each other?” I told him that I am in love with him, but I don’t think he is in love with me. I asked him if he thought our relationship was toxic and he was quick to answer absolutely. I agreed wholeheartedly and I told him I think there is inherent good in all people, even him and I but I just don’t think we bring out the best in each other.

We went down memory lane of when I cheated on him and he slept with another girl in the house I was paying for at the time even though he kicked me out. I barged in and broke up their little sex party and asked for all the rent money from that day til the day he kicked me out which was a couple months’ worth. I remember saying some pretty unthinkable things to him and threatened hi until he threatened to call the cops to kick me out of “his” house (it was our rental). Shortly after that I was raped and he told me that I was apart of the problem because I went to this guy’s house to have sex and it wasn’t my fault I was raped, but it was my fault that I subjected myself to that particular situation. Which to this day is the most hurtful comment someone has ever made to me and it’s by someone I love the most.

Granted that was now four years ago but I don’t think our resentments and shortcomings have changed much in that time. Time can’t nor shouldn’t heal all wounds. Now I am left in limbo on what I want to do. I have moved a lot of my belongings here but not all of them and now I’m halting all moving operations until we figure out what I am doing. I love him dearly and I see a future with Diego but it’s hard to envision that while he can’t tell me that he’s in love with me. We call each other roommates, we rarely sleep in the same room, nor hang out and rarely talk. I am basically here rent free in order to take care of Poncho while he’s at work. I think if we didn’t have Poncho I think decisions would be easier to make, but I love Poncho and don’t want to leave him but if I am not wanted here, I can’t stay now can I?

…

In other news I had a job interview today for a hostess position so I hope I get the position. I bonded with the manager because we went to high school together and had sign language class together. There were ten other people there applying for the position and I think I might get it just by looking at the other people and observing. One thing I noticed was I was the only person not on their phone while waiting for the interview to happen. So maybe that’s good for me. I should find out by Wednesday whether or not I got the position.

Let me know your thoughts about the Diego and I thing. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Much love,

Dani