Moving Slow

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After two Thanksgivings yesterday between Diego’s family and my own, I am fatigued today. I got up around 9am because Poncho woke me up. I decided to go to Diego’s house after my family’s thanksgiving because he somehow got today off of work and didn’t have to go in.

This morning we went to the grocery store to get some things for dinner. I gave him an instant pot for Christmas this year and I gave it to him maybe a month ago so tonight we are finally going to use it. I am going to make rice in the instant pot and then marinate some beef in garlic and soy sauce and a sauce packet and stir fry it with some broccoli in a frying pan. I’m excited for dinner for sure.

We got some bread and will have turkey sandwiches for lunch with the leftovers from his mom’s Thanksgiving. Otherwise, we are gonna have a chill day filled with no big plans besides internet surfing, playing video games, etc.

I feel like my depression is starting to get the best of me now. I feel apathetic and I am small and sad. I am sitting at the kitchen table with a blanket over my head, drinking a Red Bull as I write this. I guess the holidays make a lot of people feel small and sad but this feels different from the holiday blues; this just feels like… the blues.

I don’t have an appointment with my primary care doctor set up yet but maybe I should. I got a couple weeks left in the semester; got a total of 12 assignments left for the year and I have no motivation to begin them. I need to get my butt into gear so I can end the semester strong because I have so much to lose if I don’t do well. Maybe that’s what’s bothering me…

When Diego and I fought about the engagement conversation, he said that like in gambling on the game BlackJack, I am the hand of a 17 and if he hits it, he is more likely to bust than any other card. Proposing and marrying me right now is more than a liability, it’s a huge risk. I am not fiscally responsible, I have only done one semester (not even) of school where I took things half seriously, I am currently jobless. Love conquers all adversities, which is why he is still here and we are seeing each other, but he wants me to have steady employment, he wants me to not recklessly spend money, and to do well in school.

If waiting two or three years will help, why not wait?

“I know I will get to be stable in my life but that doesn’t mean we can’t get married,” is my initial thought. But maybe that’s just immature thinking.

Marriage is an investment and right now the stocks on marrying a stable Dani is at an all time low. I have nothing to contribute. Moving slow may be the best course of action, but my impatience gets the best of me. I want the big wedding, I want the marriage, and the life long commitment. But I know Diego is stern about me getting my shit together and repairing our relationship before jumping in with both feet.

I feel discouraged, but honestly this news should encourage me to do and be better. I am applying to jobs, I am getting my finances on track, I am being my best self for him and for me. So with time, we will see if my impatience gets the best of me or if I can stick it out til the end.

Until next time,

Dani

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