Pushing Buttons

Photo by Kelly L on Pexels.com

I think no one ever called me a gentle person. Days like today I feel loud and abrasive and like I take up too much space.

I had a good morning where I cooked some of the sides for thanksgiving and enjoyed a protein shake. I think my interview went exceptionally well, but I also don’t think they have many or any other candidates so I think I have a good spot. The recruiter will send my resume and interview answers to the branch manager of the bank that I applied to and then they will facilitate that interview and/or write me a job offer by next week. So I am excited about that.

Diego called me when he got off work and I told him about my interview and I was joking about how he could get a free Nintendo Switch and he excitedly asked how he could and I said if you buy an engagement ring from this one jeweler than you can get one and it was like the straw that broke the camel’s back and he hung up on me and texted me he wasn’t coming over for Thanksgiving.

This had been an ongoing argument for close to four years. I push push and push until I get what I want and he caved in 2018 and I got scared and broke off the engagement. We have been off and on so many times since then that I feel he is afraid of any sort of commitment with me. I have been with him since June, talking since my car accident back in April. He keeps saying he doesn’t know if he even wants to get married at all and that honestly scares me. We put all this time and effort to be together and if we aren’t aiming at marriage, what is the point?

I keep bringing up marriage to talk about it and he shuts down which is frustrating. If I knew why he shut down then I wouldn’t even bring it up but I am not sure if he is ready to face the music. I don’t want to be with anyone else and I doubt he does either.

I just feel like a failure and I want him to just open up to me but now is not the time. He needs space and maybe I do too. Just frustrated and trying not to cry…


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