Transparency

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I think the hardest thing for me to do in a relationship is being transparent and following through with what I say I am going to do. I don’t mean my actions maliciously; but I don’t always say what I am going to do.

I say this because it is a constant struggle between Diego and myself. I said that I would stay through the weekend. I went home yesterday because my mom needed me home (my mother is schizophrenic and she is having a rough time as she adjusts to her new medications so it’s better that I stay home so that the unthinkable doesn’t happen.) I was there for about four hours, but then went back to Diego’s house.

Today (this morning) I was at Diego’s house and as I took my morning medication, I realized that I only had enough pills for that night and none of my extra bottles of pills. So I tried calling Diego while he was at work so that I could tell him I needed to leave the dog there unattended and that I needed to go home to get my meds unless he could grab them from my house (he works in the same town that my parents live in).

He didn’t pick up the phone so I packed up my multiple bags and left. Made sure Poncho went potty and left around 9:30am. Today is Saturday so my mom was very excited that I was coming home and my dad hugged me when I walked in the door because he didn’t think he would see me this weekend. I got a call from Diego once I was home asking what was up. I told him I needed my meds so I was home now and he got angry with me. Not angry; I think just disappointed.

I went to his work and we walked and talked around the store while he did his work and he finally and explicitly said that he was mad that I said I would stay through the weekend and when I didn’t follow through because I forgot something. It was one thing for me to go home to my mom when she is in need, but another when I should know to grab all my meds when I go over to his house. Then he was frustrated how I always talked about moving in and he was giving me the opportunity to stay as often as I would like, but kept leaving again; like I didn’t want to be there at all.

I tried explaining that I had my pill organizer with me, but because it’s at the end of the week, so it was nearly empty. I wouldn’t have my morning pills for Sunday which is muy importante (and when I speak in Spanish, ya know your girl means BUSINESS.) He just asked that I understood where he was coming from, which I did.

It’s been on my vision board (yes I have a white board dedicated with focus words, values, strengths, weaknesses, thankful for, and dreaming of sections). Anyways it’s been on my vision board, or whatever you want to call that board, that I need to be more consistent. I wrote that back on October 17th of this year. However, I feel like I have been the upmost transparent and honest with Diego and in all aspects of my life. I feel as though life has gotten in the way of me being the most consistent, but I know I am not lying about where I am at or hanging out with mysterious people or on my phone, hiding my text messages.

We talked tonight on the phone and he seemed less angry about it. I am planning on following through and being at his house early in the morning so I will see him when he gets off from work. I gotta prove to him that he is worth my time and I do want to be there and eventually move back in together.

It all just takes time, patience, trust, transparency, and… consistency. And communication, but who’s counting?

Much love,

Dani

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