Today is my Saturday. The past couple of days I have gotten overwhelmed with anxious feelings and kept being triggered by random comments from strangers in the store that I work at. Their comments and the whole experience of repetitive motions and the beeping of the scanner and the awkward small talk was driving me up a wall. Every break I had, I would go out to my car to smoke and end up sobbing into my face mask. It took everything in me not to drive away and to never return. I know that is not an option and I need the money, so I took a couple extra minutes each break to let it out and dry my tears and then do it all again.

On Friday, I went to my ear, nose, and throat doctor and he performed a full on exam on me. Got some ear drops to get all of the crap out of my ears and next visit they can vacuum it out. My throat looked fine, despite everything being really condensed due to my body type and how I was made. As far as my nose goes, I do have a deviated septum, but it is ever so slight so that surgery and the healing scar tissue would most likely make the issue worse rather than better. But the issue with my nose is the turbinates, which is the skin on the outer side of each nasal cavity. Doc said that my nasal turbinates were very inflamed which may be the cause of my cpap machine intolerance. This can be a result of allergies or just how I was made. So I was prescribed Flonase to use to help with the inflammation. I am supposed to go back in about a month to get the gunk out of my ears, get tested for allergies that can be the cause of my nasal inflammation, and look at surgical options pending on the results of the allergy testing.

I argued that the reason that I cannot tolerate the cpap machine was not due to my inflamed nostrils, I literally rip the full on face mask off my face. I said I doubted that this surgical procedure would change the fact that I don’t like the mask on my face. He said he could send me a referral to get the cpap implant in my body so that no other machinery or mask was required. He followed that by saying the only doctor who did that surgery in like a 100 mile radius was a few cities north of Seattle, which is a direct twenty minute ferry ride from where I live.

I left feeling frustrated considering the fact that I am most likely looking at two more surgeries after having three major surgeries in the past three years. I want nothing more than to be done with doctors. If I never had to step foot into a hospital ever again, that would be a miracle. But the reality is that I have so many different health issues and that me ghosting doctors and civilization in general is not an option.

I went home that morning and told my mom the news that I may or may not being facing two more surgeries and she said I should remain positive and look at the bright side. I felt a lot of anger when she said that. Angry that she wasn’t getting any better. She is still severely depressed and scared. Like today for example, I told her I was going to the store to grab a few things. She refused to go with me. I was begging her to go with me so that I could spend time with her. She said she couldn’t. She offered to spend time at the house and for the umpteenth time I explained to her that when I am home, I need to be working on school. If I am home and not doing school, I am eating or sleeping or showering. I was beyond upset at this point. I left saying I love you to both my mom and dad.

I sat in my car for a moment to get a Spotify playlist going and adjust the dials. I heard a banging on my back window as I had just begin to accelerate out of the driveway. I slammed on the breaks and rolled down the window to see my dad running over to me.

He said that my mom burst into tears and was crying because she wants to be with me and hang out, but cannot. He said that he thought that she was really sick. I said, “No shit.”

He looked at me in a puzzled way and I clarified. “I realize that she is sick but nobody is doing anything; like this is normal behavior and everything is fine.”

Dad said that it takes time and that her doctor has adjusted her meds. I also realize that med adjustments are not an overnight phenomenon. However, letting her get progressively worse isn’t an option either. We are going down the path where she will chose to stop living altogether. The path of least resistance may be a comfortable one, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right one.

After a stressful work week, I deemed today as a mental health day. The night prior, I organized my pills into a new pill organizer, giving each drug a home. A couple days ago, I cleaned my room, washed sheets, put away clean laundry and started a couple of loads. My room now is not perfect by any means but there was so much stuff accumulating on my bed that there was barely a place for me to sleep. But now, I have a pretty sweet setup. Just need to clean a few little areas that are cluttered and disorganized, but that doesn’t need to be immediate.

I had a zoom call for a psychology research study that was required of me for participation credit for my psychology course. It was about thirty minutes long, so after that, I decided that I would go to Target to use my employee discount and buy anything I wanted or needed. I pulled out $300 in hopes that would cover at least some of it. I actually only spent $120 after going up and down every aisle and picking out what I liked. I got an orange plaid flannel, a new pair of jeans, sunglasses since my last pair broke, a big fuzzy blankie because it’s getting colder, and some toiletries.

When I returned home with my new treasures, I showed mom and invited her up to the lair so she could help me put everything away into their respective homes. She was about to leave and I asked if she wanted to stay and watch a show. We watched my new favorite reality tv show, Cooking with Paris. Paris Hilton, that is. It is just as ridiculous as you can imagine. I have watched the whole first season now and surprisingly enough, she isn’t half bad! She has certainly improved as time went on and occasionally my mom would smirk at the faux pos made.

It breaks my heart to see my mom hurting so much. I feel so helpless and I don’t really have the power to change or do anything for her. My dad and sister are very passive when it comes to her mental illness while I am not. I think that’s because I am the only one who really “gets” it. I know how she feels for the most part and would never wish that upon anyone, especially my mom who is probably my best friend.

Lately, I have kind of felt like this flightless bird. Very lonesome, without my pack. Not like I had much of a pack to begin with. The last two days of work have been very hard for me. I see so many different couples who are dating or married and then see so many women with their lady friends and I begin to feel… resentful. No, that isn’t the right word. I guess I begin to feel sorry for myself. I want a relationship, but honestly I am not ready for one right now nor do I have the time to commit to anyone. At the moment, I eat, sleep a couple hours a night, and work and do school around the clock. When I am working, I am constantly de escalating situations, making small talk, or being fake to make customers happy. I am exerting so much of my introverted self to do this and so the last thing I want to do when I am off work is talk to more people, let alone try to impress a man for a date.

As far as friendships go, it’s difficult to say the least. I have virtually no lady friends at all. In my adolescence I had a group of girls who I could always go to for anything and everything. Nearly all of them now are married and/or have children. But even before that, people started distancing themselves from me. I think I was a good friend to several of these people and when the distancing started, I made the mistake of not following up with them as to why the distance occurred.

I think the hardest falling out I had was when my “best friend” of nine years; someone who I had sleepovers with every weekend and confided in so often made my sister her maid of honor. I wasn’t even a consideration to be even a bridesmaid. I think I have discussed the situation before on my blog. My sister and her husband introduced my friend to her now husband. When that happened, my friend started to distance herself from me and dated him and spent all her time either working, going out with him, or doing school.

I could have made more of an effort to reach out, but didn’t. Next thing I knew, I heard from my sister that my friend was getting married. I didn’t think much of it until Diego had talked to me about the wedding invitation that he had received for them. I didn’t get one.

I think I called her after that and we ended up meeting at her house, her then fiancé, my friend, and myself. I remember leaving in tears when she said she felt like she couldn’t confide in me and my sister had brought them together as a couple, therefore, she had to be the maid of honor. I asked why I wasn’t a bridesmaid considering we knew each other the longest and were the closest for so long and she said she didn’t want their to be a power struggle between my sister and I who had a rocky relationship. She added that the bridal party was made up of those who contributed to their relationship as a whole. I hardly knew her now husband but that was her choice to keep him from me.

Months later, I reluctantly went to the wedding and talked to her family and they all seemed kind of surprised to see me there. All people that I was also very close with. I ended up leaving before the dancing at the reception started. The wedding was the same weekend as my birthday and being there only made me more depressed. Not to mention that Diego and I were not together at the time and seeing him there brought up even more feelings.

I honestly don’t think I have seen her since the wedding and that was almost two years ago.

I talk to two people on an almost daily basis. Diego, even though we are not together right now, and my friend Brent.

I have been dying to go to a baseball game all year and haven’t been able to until this upcoming week, at the very end of the season. I asked Brent to go with me because we both love baseball and have never been to a game together. For the week I was looking at, he said he had a few family things going on, which is awesome that he puts in his spare time to go see his nephew’s sport and school events. But it kind of upset me selfishly because I feel like if he needs me, I am there no questions asked. However, if I need him, like I do now because I am going through a lot, he is MIA.

This wasn’t the first time it’s happened and I have voiced to him that he doesn’t make me a priority. He kind of said “sorry you feel that way” and said something else following that to change the subject. To say that his apology was insincere is being modest.

I just don’t understand why you would call someone “ride or die” and say you’re available 24/7 when you aren’t available unless it’s convenient for you. I feel like for him, it’s inconvenient to be my friend or that he is ashamed of me. His mother passed away earlier this year and he said there wasn’t room at the funeral for me, yet he invited his three work friends to go and be there for him. But when he was crying at 12am because he just lost somebody, he didn’t call those guys to confide in. You know who he called? Me. You know who was there for him? Me. You know who was sleeping? Those guys. I don’t know it seems to me it’s more of a superficial friendship. And if all he wanted was a superficial friend, that’s fine. But don’t leave me in the fucking dark when I could be doing something else with my time and energy.

I feel like the lone wolf. Nobody really knows or cares about what is going on with me. Diego has been there for me, surprisingly enough. I have called him during my breaks at work in tears and he has been there for me. But I don’t want to get reattached again.

Okay I am gonna continue being small and sad off the internet now.

Dani