I had an appointment with my primary care physician today. Like I told her, my medication is the right dosage so I don’t feel apathetic all the time, but my moods are still manageable. She asked about my cpap machine and I said it was originally going well, but with my sleep habits, using the bathroom and waking up in the middle of the night and ripping off my full on face mask at some point in my sleep, I wasn’t getting the use of its effectiveness. So now I have to get a smaller face mask, see if that helps and I have a consult with an ear, nose, and throat specialist for a surgical implant around my collar bone to help me not stop breathing at night.

I told her I didn’t want another implant in me considering I had the screws removed from my foot less than six months after I got those implants put in because they fucked up my foot. She said the other options weren’t as effective because my sleep apnea is severe enough to warrant insurance authorization for the implant surgery only. But she said I could discuss the other options with the ENT doctor and figure it out.

I also wasn’t technically diagnosed with narcolepsy but she used a term similar to it because she did add a medication in the same drug class as Adderall, but isn’t as addictive, but I am not supposed to take it everyday because it can counteract with my Abilify, which is my anti psychotic. She stated I was stable enough that even though the effects of the Abilify would be reduced, I cannot fall asleep wherever and whenever I am at.

Today was also my first day back in a check stand, working retail. It was a four and a half hour shift, so it went pretty well. Got yelled at once and I feel like that was a success because it could have been worse. I didn’t do anything wrong, the bottle locks are more complicated than what I am used to and this guy became very impatient with me. Oh well!

I tried the Modafinil (spelling?) which is the drug that is supposed to wake me up before work and now I’m feeling quite awake even though it’s almost 1am my time. I was worried that the medication would make me feel agitated or anxious and I haven’t experienced that yet. And hopefully won’t feel that way, but we shall see as time progresses.

I am a little apprehensive for work the next few days, I am not really sure as to why, but I know I will go and kill the game, one shift and paycheck at a time. I have to wake up semi early tomorrow morning to get my new cpap machine mask and hopefully that will help my sleep apnea rather than having another invasive surgical procedure. Not to mention in t minus one month, I start university. Gotta get everything taken care of before I start school so I can be as productive and efficient as possible this semester. So it’s hard because if I need to take a week or two off for this procedure, it will be hard to take time off from not one, but two new jobs, but my health takes priority.

I also thought about pushing off this surgery until winter break after December 10th, so I have more leave on the books for work and I will be off from school, but then again, this is a situation that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later because sleep is everything; especially for the benefit of my mental health.

I am trying not to count my chickens before they hatch, but it’s hard to not think about it when I am consistently not sleeping well at night and it affects my whole day. I don’t know maybe I am overthinking the whole thing and am putting too much into my own hands, as per usual.

Better sign off before I get too wish washy.

Much love,

Dani