I kind of jokingly brought up the topic of marriage. A sore subject, I know. For those who are just tuning in now, my “boyfriend”, we aren’t even that, we have no title. We say I love you, talk constantly, have sex, were once engaged, which I ended in a manic spree, and have known each other seven years come September. So whatever the hell you want to call it. He asked for more pasta after I made dinner, cut up a watermelon, plated him, and all of that. Mind you, he got high on weed after dinner #1 so then I had to make him two peanut butter banana sandwiches. After all that, he asked for some chips and more pasta. We were joking and having a good time and so I said, “Marry me, and then I will get you more pasta in bed.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. He kept dancing around the subject and said until I shape up and be consistently better, he wouldn’t marry me. Quiet, I left and heated him up his pasta. He asked why I was frustrated. I said I was frustrated because it is always me who has to improve on my life, my work ethics, my medication, my vices, etc. He never had to improve or change upon himself to be with me. He asked what was wrong with him. I thought, what wasn’t wrong…

I asked if he had any goals, dreams, or aspirations that he was building toward. He dodged my question and asked what was wrong that he needed to change that I was upset with. I said nothing. Because nothing dire immediately came to mind. However, it didn’t mean he shouldn’t have any goals that he should be working toward. He said he had met so many goals, he was about to become debt free besides his mortgage, he bought at house on his own at 26, he is a department head at the store he works at, he has a great dog. He said what did he need to work toward that he didn’t already possess.

This is a complex and tricky situation because if I give him any flack for his milestones, I am the bad guy. These are great accomplishments that he has achieved, don’t get me wrong. But he isn’t / doesn’t challenge himself to try or do new things. When I first met him, he was going to school and working two jobs to be a radiology technologist and I really admired that from him as a first generation immigrant whose first language is not English. When he stopped school, he applied to a few apprenticeship programs and I commended him on that. However, when he never heard back from those mechanic unions, he just stopped trying. He decided he was gonna stay at the store long term and I have no problem with that, he makes good money and he is happy where he is at. On the other hand, he is complacent where he is at. He doesn’t want to become a store director or go to school for it that his job would pay for. But he isn’t enriching his life in other ways.

Yet I am expected to stay sober, work two jobs, go to school full time, come over to cook for him and clean his house that I don’t live at, take Poncho out for walks or to the dog park and take him out to potty even when Diego is home.

Now mind you, I don’t mind doing some of these things, I like to take care of my significant other. But I don’t like the double standard that I have to practically kill myself everyday to appease someone else; homie don’t play that game. I may be acting or talking a little irrationally but at this moment, I needed to get out how I currently feel. Not to mention the fact that even if we one day do get married, he doesn’t want to build a life with me. He doesn’t ever want to own a home with me, meaning the mortgage and title is in both of our names. He thinks I won’t commit long enough and would sabotage the house in order to get back at him.

I am just fed up right now. I want to make things work, and now he’s acting like nothing ever happened. He’s just watching videos in the bedroom, high on edibles and I am sitting and stewing over this. But fuck me and what I want, right?

Until next time,

Dani