Hot, old, and tired

Photo by cottonbro on

The pacific northwest reached record highs of heat ranging from 111 to 115 degrees Fahrenheit and while that may not be much to some people, but to those of us who live in one of the rainiest places in the world, this weather is atrocious. Nobody has air conditioning and window units and fans are sold out at every store or being sold on Facebook for ludacris prices. Most places are shut down, we are having power blackouts because so much extra energy is being used to keep us cool.

My swollen ankles were good this morning after resting, icing, and using a diuretic to flush out the edema. However, as the day went by, my feet began to swell again. It must be due to the heat.

Besides being miserable, I got my not cpap, but apap machine today. It is similar to a cpap machine as in they are both an aid to reduce or eliminate snoring, sleep better, and breath easier. I am not totally sure the difference but I got one. I’ll be honest, the full face mask is annoying to wear but even after six hours of sleep, I finally feel rested for once in my life. I was able to wake up, take off the mask, and get right out of bed to make breakfast for Diego and I.

I looked at my statistics and before the apap machine I was having over 200 “events” where I would stop breathing and last night I had about 1 per hour. I checked my FitBit and this is the first time I have had deep sleep and REM sleep in the longest time. I wonder how I will feel throughout the day, but if I am even half this awake in a couple hours, I will be elated.

I feel like an old person for needing this device, but hey, if it works, I can’t knock it. Maybe I won’t even need surgery to help with my symptoms. I think it will really help with my bipolar symptoms as well. Sleep is one of the best things to have for mental illness and now that I will be getting much more restful sleep, I am hoping my moods won’t swing as much or be as sincere.

Today is supposed to be less hot; only 90 degrees versus 110 so I will be staying with Diego for most of the day since he has today off.

Today was busy, but in a good way. After I made Diego and I breakfast, we cleaned his house and went grocery shopping. After that, we got lunch from the store’s deli and cut up our mini watermelon. It was a good day, but I was definitely ready to experience some air conditioning back at my parents’ house.

I’ve been lazy the rest of the day, I barely unpacked my things from my trip over at Diego’s. I should have cleaned and try to get ready for work tomorrow, but now that it’s 9pm without any naps, I feel groggy. Not terrible, but like a normal person’s type of tired. Before I was always fatigued and that feeling was much more severe than what I feel now. It’s crazy how much this machine has changed my day and ability to function like a normie.

I forgot to mention something. On the 31st, well 1st since there is no 31st of June, I will have my 90 days/3 months sober from alcohol and weed. My mom and I called one of her AA friends and I told her about my newfound sobriety and I kind of joked that mom should present me one of her coins for this event.

After the call ended, my mom asked me if I wanted her coin and I said yeah. She handed me a coin that said ___________ ranch — one month coin with the serenity prayer on the back. She had a note taped to the coin itself stating she got the coin in 2001 and that her sponsor wrote her up several times while she was at said ranch (treatment center).

I thought it was neat, but I knew there was a meaning behind it.

She said this was the coin that she was presented with in treatment when I was 3 years old and we dropped mom off at the ranch and I yelled “mom don’t go” out the window and cried; my first memory ever. It was also the push she needed to stay sober ten years and now we had almost come full circle.

It definitely was very sentimental and emotional and it makes me wonder if I will continue to stay sober or not. It gives my family the piece of mind that I’m not drinking, but I am not sure what I want for me. There are definitely pros and cons to both. Only God will lead me down the road I am supposed to travel.

I’ve got my whole life ahead of me. No need to do anything rash.

Much love,


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