It’s been two days since the doctor lowered my Lithium milligram amount from 1200mg to 900mg. I am already noticing a difference in my lack of sleep. I am not sure if that’s because I am riding the hypomanic wave since I now feel emotions besides apathy and emptiness or if I am not tired as much because there are less pills in my system which cause extreme fatigue.
It’s been nice to actually feel some real emotions, but with that comes a lot of fear. A fear of not knowing what future emotions and mood swings will look like because I’ve been numb for so long. Numb in a good way, if that makes any sense. I have been so medicated and feeling so healthy, but with that comes apathy because you don’t feel “normal” on these drugs, you feel better, but like something is missing. I don’t have the right words for it, I can’t describe it.
I tend to describe my bipolar as a teeter totter. Lithium usage is the fulcrum, whereas the antidepressant and antipsychotic operate on their respective sides of the teeter totter. My lithium intake has always been much greater than my Abilify and prozac intake. This causes the fulcrum to be disproportional to the teeter totter which means that depression and hypomania can’t ride the teeter totter. Since I haven’t felt the spectrum of emotions made by using the teeter totter and with being on too much lithium, I’ve felt frozen in place in my emotions and the teeter totter fulcrum has cob webs.
What does this mean? It means in order to feel any sort of real, genuine emotion, I must lower my lithium. By slowly tapering down my lithium, which I have done once so far, I am beginning to feel my real emotions. Since I am no longer completely numb to my emotions, it slowly greases the fulcrum and the teeter totter starts to creak and move back and forth.
Yesterday at Diego’s I got upset over something kind of ridiculous. He was in the middle of playing a video game and I wanted to cuddle right then and there, and I got mad when he said no. I was so upset I threw a fit and nearly cried and went and took a nap. But it was like the oil spilled a little too much onto the fulcrum because I was really feeling my feelings; my emotions were sliding up and down with ease on this teeter totter spectrum.
As upset as I was, I felt like I was in control of something in the first time in a long time. I felt like I was in control over my own moods, which is not the luxury that many bipolar folks have who are well medicated such as myself. But like I stated prior, with these emotions, comes fear. I don’t know what I will say or do in the heat of the moment because I am not used to feeling my feelings. Before I had virtually no feelings to feel besides constant contentedness and pleasantry.
However, I do have a bit of a health scare that I am going to share with you all. I’m not sure why I am nervous writing about it; I’ve never been nervous about sharing something on the blog before. But I think I am nervous because of this scare and it could very well be nothing and I am over reacting, but it very well could be something very serious.
I have a sharp, shooting pain that goes through my left armpit and into the side of my left breast. I don’t notice any discoloration or rash, but there is a slight lump that is a little swollen and it is hard to the touch in between my arm and breast. I have a family history on my mother’s side for breast cancer; my maternal grandmother died of it, which fills me with fear to suffer something so life threatening so early in life.
I have an appointment with urgent care tomorrow so hopefully they do an exam and if need be, will send me to the emergency room if they deem it more serious than they can handle at urgent care. I tried to go to urgent care tonight, but they closed by the time I got there which was frustrating.
I have God with me and I know everything will work out in His timing and His ways are perfect. So I have to be patient and know that I am NOT in control and that is okay. I am happy to not be in control on this one. Or for anything for that matter.
I am gonna try to get some sleep.