Sitting with yourself

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I went on a date for the first time in a little over a month. It was very refreshing. He has been sober for some time and I wouldn’t have probably gone had that not been the case. I am choosing to spend more time with those who choose or want to be sober and that’s been really good for me as that is how I am choosing to live my life now.

Often times that means I am sitting alone in my room watching the clock go by, but even that has been almost refreshing. I am learning to sit with myself in solitude and that is the biggest blessing that is come of this cluster fuck of a month. Just sit and think and think clearly. Well medicated.

My bipolar has been pretty stable. I don’t think I will ever be in remission, but if I was, this would be the time. My symptoms and mood swings are very minimal and I feel like a normal person despite the fact I keep a personal pharmacy of little pills in my purse with me at all times. I am gelling well with my coworkers and the fact that I am going on medical leave for my foot surgery in a week makes me a little sad. I don’t really like the job, but I love the people, and for once in my life, I feel wanted and needed which is relieves me from a lot of social anxiety.

But I go home and it’s just me. But that doesn’t bother me anymore. I used to not be able to look at myself in the mirror with pride or sit alone because I needed to feel wanted by someone in a romantic sense. I needed to feel loved and adored. I mean, I still want that, one day, right person, right time. But before now, I needed that to thrive. It affected my mood swings greatly not having that and I was so terribly lonely.

I am a bit lonely but it doesn’t compare to how it used to be. I am just focused on me, myself, and I. I am doing my passions. I started doing art again. I drew a portrait on my tablet tonight and that felt good. I missed art and hadn’t done it since August of last year, so before I quit gambling. It made the world stop and I was able to focus for once in my life on one thing alone and nothing else mattered.

I am blogging more which I guess ya’ll can appreciate. I am really getting back into the depths of being a writer and finding my identity in that once again. I feel like for a while, I wrote well, but it was superficial and insincere. It didn’t feel real because I didn’t know who I was. Now that I am truly finding myself, I find myself reading more which gives me more inspiration to write, and to write well, at that.

I am singing more and even though I don’t have my karaoke stage to do so on, I am singing unapologetically. I am singing with my heart because I love to.

I am doing what makes me happy and for that I will never apologize.

I can finally sit with myself and that is a skill I will never resent and it is a skill I can’t unlearn. I don’t need a man to make me happy when I have myself and I care for myself.

But back to this date. I think he saw these traits in me; like he saw who I truly am and that is rare. I am a very passionate, head over heals romantic when it comes to dating and love and whatnot. So to find someone who got me is very unheard of. He loves music, he’s a drug and alcohol counselor. He is very sweet and kind. He is older and lives kind of far away, but I like him and if he is whom I want him to be. No. I mean who I perceive him to be, by golly, this might work long term.

It makes me excited because I haven’t felt this way in a long time. My heart is beating fast, fluttering in my chest like he’s right next to me as I type this. He is supportive of my artistic passions and I his. Maybe I am overreacting and I am a silly unjaded, hopeless romantic but I don’t want to be alone forever. Now that I have this new found ability to be myself, I want to share that with someone special. But maybe I am not overreacting and he feels the same way about me. I think he does but my head is now making up this random jargon on how this could be it!

Maybe I just need some sleep, but one can dream, right?

Right?

Until next time,

Dani

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