Vanity. One of the seven deadly sins. One may describe it as too much pride in one’s self. Too much pride in appearance. Cocky, even, about appearance or characteristics.
I struggle with this. Not necessarily in the physical sense, as in pride in my appearance. Well, on that note, it is quite the opposite. I am not proud of how I look. However, I do take pride, maybe too much pride, in how I feel emotionally and mentally. I take pride in how I take care of myself and others.
I saw a post on Facebook regarding mental health and medicine. That neuro typical folks rely on the chemicals in their brain to regulate their overall health just like bipolar or mentally ill folks rely on medication to provide the nutrients and chemicals that we lack.
I thought this was rather profound. I often feel like I should or need to expect more from my body. I get frustrated with the fact that I cannot do what my body was made to do.. And that’s not fair. I am not a neuro typical human being. That is not something I can control, it is completely out of my control; another concept I struggle with.
I am this self proclaimed mental health advocate and I get angry with myself for having mental issues. But if I compare this to having a physical health issue, let’s use my foot issue as an example. In a week and a half, I find out if I need a third foot surgery due to a potentially ruptured tendon and possible arch collapse. If I don’t act on surgery or any other treatment options for that matter, my quality of life is greatly decreased. So as far as mental health goes, if I don’t take my medication and seek help, my quality of life is also greatly decreased.
Over the years, I have taken several “vacations” from my mental health meds because I was too prideful. But I can’t look at it from that perspective, that I am invincible. Because I am not. If I can’t take care of my health, mental or physical, I am doing a disservice to my family, friends, coworkers, and to you, my readers. I must practice what I preach, but to say it’s easy to do would be a lie.
I think the reason behind the sabotage of my medication schedule is self destruction. It is deep rooted in not believing that I don’t deserve to be happy, to be successful, or live a purposeful life. I have conversations with myself often about how I can sabotage crucial aspects of my life to destroy everything I’ve worked towards. But really, when I don’t take my medication, it mainly hurts my family. They must deal with the mood swings, the suicidal ideation, wondering if I will self harm or self destruct in other ways.
Besides God, nothing means more to me than my family. For me to have hurt my immediate family kills me inside. It is exhausting and adrenaline inducing to deal with me on a daily basis, not knowing if I get myself killed or get into a bad accident or who knows what else. That fact devastates me.
I can’t go into details at this time, but I got myself into some legal trouble due to some poor decisions. I am lucky to be alive and well and the fact that I am not hurt physically let alone another person is huge. My car is greatly damaged, but no one else was involved, thank God.
When I saw my parents and had them pick me up, I never felt more guilt nor cried so hard in my entire life. My dad ran to me and gave me the biggest hug and kissed my forehead several times; something he hasn’t done in over twenty years. He started crying and I lost my shit. My mom hugged me and was crying too. We went home together and planned for the uncertainty of my immediate future.
That was on March 31st, 2021. I went to court later that day. My parents were both there. I follow up with the courts later this month and I’m stressed to the nines.
But in this past week, I realized that I am better than this. I haven’t been putting my best foot forward in any regard. I started this new job and they like me and they aren’t firing me for this incident I had. But I have reached a new low; a new lower than low rock bottom. I must do better, be better. There is my quality of life on the line here. No other options. The only way to go now, is up.
I have made the decision for the indefinite future to stop drinking and using marijuana entirely. I cut it out cold turkey. I don’t have an issue or an addiction to either, but when consuming those things, I don’t make the best choices or decisions. Which may not affect me directly, but affects those around me indirectly without any intention of doing so. I have been clean of gambling for a while now and I have never nor would I ever do drugs.
I have made the decision to put dating on the back burner. Until I can get my shit together, I cannot go out and party and sleep around. Honestly, that all is the least of my concerns at the moment. I don’t even want to talk to anyone on these dating apps because I am not in the best place emotionally or otherwise to even consider a relationship with someone, let alone my end goal of getting married sooner rather than later.
This is now officially the year of Dani. Repairing relationships with those I care about, staying sober, excelling at my new job, working on my mental and emotional well being. Still waiting on my acceptance or denial to university, but even if I don’t get in, I have so much on my plate as is, that I feel like I’ll be okay if I don’t get in. I am focusing on the here and now, not the future. I am learning from my past, but not dwelling on or in it.
This week has really stripped me of my pride and whatever vanity I had in any regard. It has stripped me of who I thought I was as an individual, as who I am. But through this severe adversity, I was filled with a lot of inner peace in the toughest moments. I can overcome this. I will overcome this. I am focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel and the inner peace and clarity that God has given me. One day at a time, one moment at a time.
I am a slew of open, raw emotion, but I am trying to make the most of things and do some soul searching. Time will tell how things will go, but I am prepared as I can be. God is with me this Easter Sunday. Today and always.