I got three books from Barnes and Noble yesterday. One daily devotional, a sudoku puzzle book, and a mindful guided journal with prompts. I figured the guided journal would be good blog post inspiration and as I was flipping through the book, I figured I could expound on what I write in my journal here at Precarious Aquarius.
This morning, I flipped to a random page and the prompt asks how satisfied you are with your life. My immediate thought was not in the slightest. It then asks how do you become satisfied with your life.
You see, I am a dreamer, I can envision an end goal so well but the middle puzzle pieces are what get me the most. Like I know I want to be a social worker one day, and I know the plays I got to make in order to get there, like continue school, work at least part time, etc. But when it comes to actually doing school, I procrastinate and give myself so much anxiety over school work that I can’t get any actual work done.
This quarter has been tough because my relationship with Diego completely disintegrated, I lost my dog to him, I had to move back home, I got laid off from my job. These are huge, life changing events that happened in two months time, even less than that. So school wasn’t my top priority.
But I must realize that my dreams and goals can’t be put on hold for these little hiccups. I got to keep persevering toward my end goal if I am ever going to prosper in life. My parents told me that I want the title of a social worker, but don’t have the motivation to do the work. I resent them saying that because I am a hard worker, and I know I can be kind of flighty due to my bipolar disorder, but if I say I’m going to do something, I am going to do what I say.
How can I be more satisfied with my life? I need to put God first, let Him lead my path. Lately I have been sitting in the driver’s seat and I’m quickly finding out that that does not work. I am trying to win blackjack every hand when God has the deck and knows my destiny. It’s impossible to get blackjack every hand, let alone a portion of the time. It’s like I am counting cards and I’m still not getting what I want. I am such a control freak by nature but I need to let go and let God.
Second of all, I need to focus more on my studies than I do on tinder. Without school, my dreams of becoming a social worker would only be a dream. This quarter completes my first year of college. Still waiting to hear back from Washington State University of my admittance (or denial) from their online psychology program. I really need to get my shit together so I can be successful. I meet with an academic advisor at my community college to go over the process of how I should proceed if I don’t get in. I think I just need to take one more quarter (spring quarter) so I have a little more credits underneath my belt at the community college price rather than the university sticker shock price.
I need to also move fully back into my parents’ house. I am still living out of boxes and it’s been three weeks since I moved back home. It’s time to make living at home my new reality. Because no one is about to sweep me off my feet and ask me to move in with them anytime soon, unfortunately. So I need to be content with my living arrangements. Because I am gonna be here a while and I need all the help I can get. But yesterday I cleaned out my car which was an accomplishment within itself. Small I know, but it’s about baby steps.
I got a long road of recovery ahead of me, but satisfaction is bound to come…. eventually.