I was in agony today, nothing mental, all physical.

I went in for a routine check up for my bladder disease called Interstitial Cystitis. Usually they give me a urine test to check for infections in the bladder, put a catheter inside of me, drain my bladder, put medicine in. Then I’m done. It’s about a seven minute process and all.

I’m not sure if you have ever had a catheter in for any length of time, but it hurts. And to think some people have them permanently implanted, I could not imagine.

So they hand me the cup and I try to pee, but I can’t. This isn’t normal.

I try and try and try for ten minutes. I walk back out to the nurse’s station with any empty cup. They said they would have to cath me until they could test me because they could not give me the medication and put it in my bladder until they knew I was clear of any issues.

I was connected to the catheter for thirty whole minutes. It’s me and my doctor trying to press against my bladder to get anything out and nothing. I kept saying, “This is how I die.”

My doctor laughs.

“You’re so funny!”

I said, “No I’m dead ass for real, this is how I die!”

Eventually, I got the all clear. My doctor ran to the lab and back and put the medicine in and said, “What’s going on in your life?”

“I’m going to take to fattest bong rip tonight after I get home. I’m serious this shit hurts.”

She laughed again.

I held back tears and I took a sedative to calm my bladder in the car and inhaled the nicotine coming from my mod. Exhale. It was over with and had an appointment the following week so this wouldn’t hurt as bad.

I get to the bar with my best friend and see a group of guys I went to high school with. They all wave and say, “hey it’s Dani A! It’s Dani A!” This one guy waves and looks into my eyes and starts talking to me, asking me how I am and all that. He was a popular kid in school and was now back home after graduating with his bachelor’s from some out of state university. He is very attractive so why he took interest in me was odd.

My best friend was hyping me up, trying to get me to go ask him out and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I get so shy around the “popular kids” from my high school days. I was the kid who worked at the grocery store, skipped a lot of school, the one that always had a boyfriend who was older. I was always voted most likely to be president and was active on the school’s debate team. I was the one who would go home for lunch every day to avoid picking a table in the cafeteria.

He, we will call him XC guy because he was a cross country runner in high school and college. Was smart, pretty, popular, always athletic, well liked and always kind to others. He worked at the grocery store I did the summer before he went to university and we kinda talked there when he would close the deli and I was closing checker in the front end. Like he always wanted to get to know me more, but was worried about what others would view him if he was seen talking to that weird girl (me).

Once others started listening to our conversation, I excused myself back to sit with my friend. Both of the guys that I knew the most were taking glances at me and I would dart my eyes back to them every now and again. I wondered if they were shit talking me, because that’s my first instinct. Why would anyone ever say anything nice to me?

My friend and I settled on sending him an Instagram message. It basically said hey I would love to catch up together sometime, you’re really sweet and awesome. At the moment, ten hours later, he hasn’t seen it so either he’s busy or he’s ignoring me. I’m not sure which quite yet.

My friend left and I stayed after for a minute, hoping he would walk over to my table. I left after five minutes and his whole head jerked up when he saw me leave and said “bye! It was good seeing you.” and the rest of the group said, “see you around, Dani A!” It was very odd, I remain hopeful that something comes of it, but my pessimistic side says don’t be hopeful.

I’m not sure which was worse, the near rejection to a text message or the bladder disease fiasco. I will pick the first one lol. And that’s saying a lot.

Much love,

Dani