Today I had a mental break down. At work. In front of my boss. It sucked.

It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Basically I was receiving constructive criticism and had to redo a lot of paperwork because the formatting was wrong (not really my fault; it was a system error) and I asked to take on less hours and my boss kind of got mad considering I just agreed to this new client. I said forget I said anything, I would just deal and I felt the burning sensation come to my eyes and I felt my nose sting; I knew the tears were coming.

It was end of shift so my client was no longer there and the mother was not to be seen, so it was an almost private break down. I couldn’t stop to tears from welling up into my eyes and I tried to stop the tears from rolling down my cheek… oops. There’s one gone. Then the other.

I was breathing heavy and trying to control myself. I was angry; angry at my boss because my delusions were saying she was out to sabotage me and my job. I thought she rejected my session notes on purpose. I felt as though she was trying to get me to quit my job. Although this was not the case, my lack of medication was telling me, convincing me, otherwise.

It wasn’t like I stopped taking my medication. I asked for a refill on my lithium months ago and it never went through. I realized last week on Friday that I had to half my doses in order to keep the medication in my body long enough to contact my doctor and get a refill directly from her. I called on Tuesday and they said I needed an appointment to refill any more medication, but the soonest phone appointment wasn’t until the 4th of February. I accepted it, but told the receptionist I needed my lithium asap because Thursday was my last day with any lithium at all.

I didn’t think lithium did much, but going without part of it for the past weeks have made my moods fluctuate in intensity a lot more rapidly than they would had I been taking the mood stabilizer. My delusions are in full swing which usually can be pushed aside except when I am off my medication, specifically lithium.

I got a text from the pharmacy today saying that two medications were ready, which meant the doctor refilled the meds! Except when I went to pay online, it was for my anti psychotic and anti depressant, not for lithium. Looks like I will be making a wake up call to that doctor about the urgency of needing this medication.

Anyways, the delusions were bad and I was on the verge of quitting my job.

But I didn’t.

I took off this evening for a mental health afternoon and was able to get some chores done along with make a good homemade meal and finish my test for math. I even have time to blog for once! It’s a miracle!

Hopefully tomorrow is better…

Dani