I have been waiting ever so patiently for the depression to hit ever since the manic upswings have started to come down. Sometimes I think the depression is easier to deal with than the mania. That might have to do with the fact that I have been dealing with depression for years before I even knew what mania was.
I slept the past two days for most of the day, leaving me a couple hours to face the day before heading back to bed. I am fortunate enough to take holidays off, even Martin Luther King’s Day which is usually a holiday meant for schools and banks. I will have to catch up on household chores and homework tomorrow considering I have only been awake since 6pm on Sunday evening.
I lay here, exhausted, as I type this because its almost quarter past 12am. I want to sleep more because I know I shouldn’t be this tired after sleeping for 18 hours. Every time I am depressed I sleep and sleep and sleep, but no rest happens.
I woke up at 10am today to get stuff done. I had to go to my mom’s house with Diego to pick up his car. Then we had to go to his work to pick up a metal wired shelving unit with my SUV and brought it to his mom’s house. (Free is a good price, after all). Then I went home and immediately started cleaning my room, did my med box (basically I organized my prescriptions in designated containers for each day of the week. I have two containers for two weeks), started laundry, stripped the bed and pillow cases so I could wash the sheets, took all of the towels off the bathroom floor and put all those linens in the laundry room. I then took out trash and recycling, tried to prep to return some Amazon packages, but we have no tape or duct tape or even packing tape. So set that to the side, and cleaned the table and picked up part of the kitchen to help Diego out for when he cleans out the kitchen and living room.
I stopped for a break and now it’s hard to get the motivation to start with homework. Homework is the last thing I want to do… I would much rather do housework or clean toilets or worst yet… DO THE DISHES before I want to do homework. It doesn’t help that I have chart notes to complete too which I don’t want to do either.
Honestly I just want to be by myself and roll into a ball and be quiet. I figured blogging my feelings out would be much more productive than doing that, which is why you are reading this. Depression takes many shapes and forms and it’s about identifying what your forms of depression looks like and then try to establish coping skills for each type.
My friend asked me if my bipolar affects my faith and I have to say no about 90% of the time, bipolar does not affect my faith. It’s hard to let something so finite as bipolar or depression or hypomania control your beliefs or faith in a Higher Power. What I mean by finite is that depression has limits, so does mania. So does any sort of mental health issue. It doesn’t last forever and even as poorly as you may feel in the moment, that feeling won’t last and you will move on and prosper.
You don’t understand depression then if you can’t see how debilitating it is.
I am well aware of the aftermath of depression and bipolar disorder. I have friends who have killed themselves. I have friends who have failed attempts at suicide. I have contemplated suicide two times in my life, I had a plan, notes to loved ones, and I knew how I would do it. Believe me when I say I know the pain and suffering you’re going through and I know life seems impossible. but in those moments, I personally clung to my faith because whether I am right or wrong in there being a God, it doesn’t matter. In those moments before I got out of my car and killed myself, I prayed. I prayed, “God, if you’re real, you won’t let me do this. Just make this better, I don’t know, I can’t live like this.”
You know what happened? My best friend called me back and talked me through it. I believe that was my sign from God that He is indeed real and He answers prayers in His timing. His timing saved my life. That was September 14th, 2020 after I lost nearly $1,500 at the casino; it was all the money I had in the world and I blew it.
I am now 124 days clean of gambling, 4 months and 4 days. The true depression I felt that day, like I was in a well and couldn’t get out, I hope to never feel that ever again. I feel as though that was all self inflicted due to my gambling problem; the depression, I mean. However, without knowing darkness, you can’t appreciate the light. Without Heaven, how could there be Hell? Without demons, how could there be a God?
So to answer that initial question, how does bipolar symptoms affect my faith, the goal is to not let it, but know that I fail and I am not perfect. I look for my blessings and pray daily. It helps surrounding yourself in an atmosphere of like minded people, but if that isn’t possible, just being the light to others is super important.
As for depression, it’s hard trying to reestablish your purpose and your goals. I knew coming out of my major depression that I had to establish long and short term goals for myself and with family members to keep myself from gambling and for something I could look forward to.
Right now those same goals I had of being a social worker, going to school, and working in the field are not currently motivating me to get up and do work. I just picked up my new iPad Air 4 and in order to play with that and draw, I must complete my chart notes, English and math in order to get iPad time. So first off, I better stop blogging and get to it, then I can flip over laundry and get to it as much as I don’t want to.