It is Day 8 of my knee and foot surgery recovery and it has felt like no time at all, yet it has also felt like time has stopped. It is my second of a grand total of three weeks that I took off for this procedure. I am wondering if three weeks will be enough time to recover before I have to go back to work.

I have my post operative appointment on Tuesday, October 6th, which is next week. I also have a psych evaluation for disability tomorrow morning to determine whether or not I qualify for social security disability benefits. I am nervous for both appointments, but nervous in different ways.

My post-op doctor’s appointment should go well considering the fact I have been actually following doctor’s orders. I was told to be non-weight bearing, so I have been living my life with crutches, knee scooters, shower chairs, etc. I have been laying in bed all day, everyday except to use the restroom. I am terribly bored so hopefully this garbage routine wasn’t all for nothing.

However, I am nervous for my psych evaluation tomorrow. I am not sure what determines whether or not I am awarded disability benefits, so hopefully by being myself, I am able to prove how difficult it is for me to work.

I feel like I don’t need these benefits considering I am a tax paying, law abiding citizen. But with my bipolar disorder, I am a severe gambler, a spending addict, especially with money I don’t really have. I am also unable to keep a job due to my delusional mindset that I’m afraid that others are out to get me. I don’t have many friends because of my selfish ways. My therapist quit on me because she “went out of business.” I have coping mechanisms, but I tend to ignore them and do what I want to do anyways, which is spend copious amounts of money on things I don’t need. I’m hanging in there, but by a very thin thread.

I’ve heard that most people get denied social security benefits on the first attempt of applying for them and that it is through an appeal that I could potentially be awarded benefits. I guess it’s a continuous waiting game to see if and when I can leave my job and focus on bettering my health and livelihood.

I am very uncertain about the next two weeks and about my surgical recovery as a whole. It’s gonna be 10 weeks total non-weight bearing and I have only made it through one week so far. I have to go back to work after three weeks on bedrest. I am unsure if I’m going to the office to work upon my return or if I will continue working from home.

There seems to be a lot going on in my life; things are uncertain. I am not quite sure how to fix that other than to let it ride and trust in God.

If any of you have words of encouragement for me or advice, as always, feel free to comment below.

Much love,

Dani