Bipolar Thoughts: Stoned Edition

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Hello, dudes and dudettes! I decided that my narcotics were not enough to kick the pain to the curb, so to help move things along, I took three large puffs off my weed pen and I feel superb. Below you shall find a page full of FAQs, general information about bipolar and mental illness, along with my thoughts about certain matters. Please enjoy!

How did you react when you found out you were bipolar?

I wouldn’t say that I took it badly, but I can’t say I took it the best either. I mean, you’re probably a sociopath if you took your diagnosis well… just sayin’. I think I went through this grieving process and kind of had to reidentify with myself and learn a whole new identity. I say that because I identified as depressed for almost five years at that point of my diagnosis path. And to suddenly change who/what you are/what defines you, and yeah, it’s a process to take on with eagerness and wisdom.

I guess I was so set with my depression and anxiety diagnosis and I am not one who likes change. But it felt right. This bipolar diagnosis from what I knew at the time, seemed to moreso align with how I felt and what I was experiencing. I was then briefed on the diagnosis and my primary care provider confirmed the diagnosis and proceeded to add an anti-psychotic onto my med list. (It wasn’t until a year later that she added a mood stabilizer to my regimen aka lithium.) I was already taking an anti-depressant and I figured the constant crying would cease.

I think I was happy with this new diagnosis because it meant that there was a solution to my problems and there was a plan of action. I am the kid who normally has chronic health problems that never get a diagnosis, let alone treated for. So this was the first time that had ever happened to me and it made me hopeful more than anything.

At what point do you tell a friend or S.O. about your mental health diagnosis?

Ultimately it depends on the situation and the person. In a potential relationship, before there is any sexual involvement. Even if it’s just gonna be a one night stand. I’ll explain later. As for a friendship, it depends where they stand on social matters, if they are religious, their background, what type of friendship you’re looking for. I tend to stick to the 3 date rule for friendships… you need to tell your friend about your diagnosis before the end of the 3rd hangout. Honesty is the best policy and should be respected when you admit something so vulnerable about yourself and should build trust between you and that person. If they don’t like that, than fuck them, you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life anyways.

I think that’s why so many people hold off or don’t ever tell anyone about being bipolar; they are afraid of rejection. It’s hard when you are getting to know someone and how you can bring up up that sort of topic in a conversation. But if it doesn’t come up until hang out #5 and it slips or worse yet, your bipolar symptoms are out for display, God forbid, it makes you look like a liar.

If your friend is good people, then it shouldn’t be a problem. But know this: everyone is going in with a certain set of information and misinformation about bipolar or mental illness in general. Their response may differ based on political or religious stand. And honestly none of that matters, as long as they treat you with respect and dignity, and hopefully can appreciate your vulnerability and honesty.

As for relationships, even one night stands, there is a potential chance that you are your partner become pregnant and that’s a conversation you want to have before pregnancy happens, not afterwards. Like I said previously, hopefully this potential spouse can respect your honesty, but in this case their reaction to your diagnosis damn well matters. Because if they blow you off, they will blow off your bipolar disorder. If they are sympathetic, then there is a chance things can work long term. But if they make your diagnosis about them, they will do the same in the relationship.

What do you regret the most?

I don’t try to live my life with regrets, I usually just have a lot of resentments because I wouldn’t change any of what’s happened to me. A lot of my resentments deal with Diego and myself like how I cheated on him two and a half years ago and the fact that I should have left him a long time ago; I resent I didn’t have the courage to leave him sooner.

I think the only thing I wish I could truly change though is the fact that I tend to push those closest to me, away from me and I still struggle with that from time to time. I have made some leaps and bounds this year by really opening up to my best friend, Brent. I have never opened up truly to anyone, nobody was informed of my inner most thoughts… not until I met him. I think it was really around my near suicide attempt that I truly confided in him and relied on him with all my heart. And he shined ten-fold.

If the incident happened even three months ago, I wouldn’t have relied on Brent due to my trust issues and I think the end result of that day would have turned out a lot worse than it actually turned out to be.

What is your biggest strength and weakness being bipolar?

Strength: my intuition

Weakness: my delusions.

Conclusion

That’s all I have for tonight, folks.

Take care and God bless.

Dani

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