Bored

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I sat up through out the night last night, bored to tears. I’m not sure why I forced myself to stay up as I was very tired, but I didn’t want to sleep; I wanted to do something, anything for that matter. My mind was racing with all the things I wish I was doing or all the people I could be seeing or talking to. But here I lay, alone at 4 a.m.

I think I went to sleep shortly afterwards and next thing I knew it was 9:30 a.m. I got in a fight with my mom about me wanting to go out to grab a coffee. She said I was in no way, shape, or form to be outside of the house, even if it had been over 12 hours since I had any narcotics. I was in no shape to drive and knowing my luck, in the pouring down rain, my crutches would slip on the wet concrete and down I would fall. I told her it was my decision and responsibility to take care of myself, which is what I was doing and for the sake of my mental health, I needed to get out of the house.

She became very upset and said my surgery was a waste of time and money if I wasn’t going to listen to the doctors and that us fighting was an absolute disaster. Mind you, our fight was simply a conversation with a disagreeance involved. I then told her tripping over my crutches was a very minor detail if I ended up killing myself due to being stir crazy.

Let’s just say she didn’t like that answer.

I wanted to buy a MacBook Pro and wanted to split it on two credit cards; something you can’t do online. I also wanted it today which would distract me for the next two weeks I have off from work. But it wouldn’t be delivered until Monday, the 28th, which in quarantine world is the equivalent of 15 years.

My mom said that was a waste of money considering I have a tablet, and then I had to explain that although I am able to use my Microsoft Surface for drawing, blogging, and basic web searching, I am not able to edit and create high quality films on it and it’s harder to type on since I’m not using a real keyboard.

What she cannot know is that she’s absolutely right, it is an absolute garbage waste of money. But I’m manic and I needed to buy something of sizeable value to feel better about myself. It is something I’ve wanted for a very long time and I think during this two weeks, I will be able to start writing a book. Not that I couldn’t before, but now I have two weeks of undistracted time where I can’t spend it with others unless they were to visit me, which let’s face it, won’t probably happen.

I have had Brent over twice this week however: once on Wednesday which I don’t remember much of because I was high. And then this afternoon after I told him about the fight between my mom and I. He basically said in a nice way that I need to simmer down. She is taking care of me head to foot after all, the least I can do is stay home until I have to go to my first post-op appointment.

We just told stories back and forth of all the crazy things he and I have done. He is going to Las Vegas next month and wants me to go. If it weren’t for money, my surgery, and my severe gambling problem, I would be there in a heartbeat. But as one in Vegas would say, it’s just not in the cards.

After he left, my mom asked me once I get my laptop delivered if I would just chill out and I promised her I would. I feel bad for upsetting her earlier, but she just doesn’t understand the manic phases I go through. Then I thought about it… what would I even do if I were out and about? It’s not like I would go hook up with someone nor could I, nor do I want to… all I really want at the moment is my new MacBook and a coffee and maybe a good banana cream pie, but after that I would be content going back home.

It’s hard because once I fixate on something, I am relentless and probably annoying as fuck until I get it. I can’t even control it; I’m like a kid in a candy store. After a while, those closest to me give in to just make me stop talking about it. Lately, my biggest fixation was the casino and today marks day 11 without gambling whether it be going to the casino or getting scratch tickets.

I think this MacBook was terribly expensive and not needed, but I have to reward myself for the positive strides I have been making. I just think of things like this and it usually justifies my behavior and actions: I could have spent this money gambling and lost it all and with [this purchase], I actually have a return on my investment.

I think it will get easier for me as time moves on to not have to reward myself day by day for not doing something that is so toxic to my well being. But then again when I’m manic, I give into the little shopaholic in me and try to buy myself something nice.

The shopping problem I have also needs to be addressed. I buy the nicest, newest products out on the market, even when I don’t need it. There is a certain satisfaction you get when you see the “Approved” screen from a POS terminal; that “ding” you hear when the cash register opens and you receive your change after buying something you have been thinking of for either 5 minutes or 5 months.

It’s funny to me that I have a shopping problem because I don’t actually enjoy shopping in itself, I enjoy the adrenaline rush of getting a good deal and finding something that fits nicely or finding something that will help me explore my passion projects.

After my trip to San Diego and taking multiple video diaries throughout the day, I realized how natural it felt to be in front of the camera. I had wanted to start a vlog around the same time I began my blog. I got the vlogging equipment around June, but I have yet to use any of it because I lacked he confidence to try it out; I felt embarrassed and geeky.

But once I let go of the idea that others are going to judge me no matter what I do, I was able to comfortably be myself in front of the camera. The last piece of equipment I needed to make high quality vlog posts is a MacBook Pro. Hence why I bought it. The decision was somewhat whimsical considering I don’t tell anyone when I am going to make a large purchase; I just act on it when I see the right deal and go from there. It’s like next thing you know, I have all of this newly acquired equipment that no one knows about because I keep most financial expenditures on the down low.

Not only does this time give me an opportunity to explore these creative ventures in video making and editing, it gives me a chance to begin writing a book.

I must say, the whole point of this blog was to create a bunch of various writings about bipolar disorder and format it into a best selling novel. I had envisioned it being part journal, part story of a girl (me) with moderate to severe bipolar disorder and how she conquers her professional careers, juggles relationships, and learns her true path.

I say I intend to begin this book because as I write this book, my own story is still in the process of being written. So how I end the novel is a mystery to me because I want it to be as accurate as possible. Obviously I won’t use real, full names in the book, just like I only use real first names and no last names on my blog. But I wonder how I could write an ending of this story, without making up information.

I feel as though I have personally hit my rock bottom and that my future is only going to exponentially get better, which I feel is important to notate in the book. I want to end the book with some mystery and intrigue about how I continue upon my path, and give there plenty of room for readers to make guesses on how the story should have ended or wonder how I am doing post-writing the book. With that being said, I think my conclusion is yet to be written and that’s okay. I just have to be patient when it comes to writing this book. I don’t want to write it with such haste that it ends up being poorly written in the name of trying to put out a subpar book in an already oversaturated market.

But who knows what’s going to happen, because I certainly don’t!

Until next time, mi amigos.

Dani

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