Love is a Decision

Me, November 2018

A decision is made when one proposes. To spend the rest of their lives with their significant other. It’s a choice that we, as Americans, are blessed to have.

So when I threw in the towel that cold, December night due to a severe bout of mania, I could never take that “no” back. Once my relationship was over, as soon as I put my key into the ignition and drove away, I lost my fiance, my future husband.

Now you may say that was almost two years ago and you and Diego are doing great now, so what’s the hold up?

That “no” is the hold up. Two years ago that “no” still plagues me because he is no longer ready to begin a life with me. I have no idea when or even if that will change.

Sure we are living together, sure we are boyfriend and girlfriend, sure we love one another. But it’s not a covenant that we share together. We are living in sin.

Every good day we have together I get it in my head that he will propose. He has a ring to give me, my grandmother’s wedding set. He knows where I leave it every day so that he could propose… when he’s ready.

I know he will propose when I least expect it, so I can’t be expecting anything at all. But all I can think is that I want to be with him forever and he with me forever. Yet it’s only been 3.5 months of me proving to him that I am not going to cheat, that I am not going to hurt me any longer. He is healing.

Like I initially said, it’s all about choices and decisions. He takes what I say with a grain of salt because I’ve hurt him as much as I’ve loved him. I made a decision to be his wife and bailed. One doesn’t just get over that so easily. It takes time. But on the other hand I wonder how much time. For him, there is no incentive to get married. He gets sex on the regular, we live together, we deal with our own finances, I pay rent to live here, there is literally no benefit to him to sign papers and get married.

I have tried withholding sex from him, but honestly he might as well just break up with me because there are plenty of women who would give to be in my situation. He is a stellar boyfriend, but I know that is not His purpose for us; to just be boyfriend and girlfriend is not what the Lord’s covenant of Holy matrimony is about.

I have been forbidden to even bring up the thought of marriage unless I want to break up with him. He says I’m pushing him too much and it has to be his decision to propose since he already knows my opinion on the matter. I guess I am more so frustrated with myself than anything, thinking how could I have been so stupid to have thrown in the towel. We could have been married by now, almost a year into our marriage.

But I had a lot of growing up to do. If I hadn’t experienced the things I did, I wouldn’t be here today. I made a lot of risky choices in the name of lust but I needed that to grow. My adolescence was ruined due to my mother’s drinking. I never got the chance to be dumb and a little reckless with parental supervision. So I experienced that time of my life where I could legally drink, sleep with whom I wanted to at a moment’s notice. I could spend as much money as I wanted to, I had the world at my fingertips. With disregard to what my friends and family thought, and with complete disregard to Diego.

I knew what I was doing was hurting him and it fed fuel into the fire that I was creating. I burnt his and I’s bridge over and over again, yet we still found a way back to one another. But that doesn’t mean that now, two years later, that I never burnt the bridge. It’s like I already rebuilt my half of the bridge and now it’s his turn to build his half. I just don’t know if and when he’s gonna trust me again to start rebuilding it. I am afraid that he will never rebuild it and this all was a waste of time. But I guess that’s the risk I am willing to take in the name of love.


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