What Is a Delusion?

Delusions are defined as beliefs that conflict with reality. Despite contrary evidence, a person in a delusional state can’t let go of their convictions.

— https://www.verywellmind.com/definition-of-delusion-4580458

I think this is the trait about myself, most likely to be bipolar related, that I despise. Delusions have made my friends question me, my family and boyfriend scared for me, and it’s made me lose different jobs for generally the same reason.

For example: I had an almost normal night last night. Yesterday, I was recovering from my severe manic episode from July 16th and trying to get back to normal, whatever the hell normal is after a case of a manic state. Diego asked if I wanted to go to game night with his friends. I willingly said sure, it should be fun. That was mistake number 1.

So we get there, I’m drinking margaritas, we’re playing Jenga. I knocked over the tower kind of on purpose. I picked a piece that I knew would make the tower fall and they were all like what are you doing?! I just wanted to get in and get out.

The weird thing is that I like his two friends that we went and saw. I just didn’t want to be around people, but I knew if I canceled and not have gone, Diego would be pissed. I also believe that they are still upset with me about my infidelity 2.5 years ago, I don’t think they ever liked me after that. They treat me normally and aren’t rude, but maybe that is just a delusion that they don’t like me.

For monopoly, a timed, hour long to the death match ended up being 3 hours. We all are very competitive and I was determined to stay and win. And then I accused Diego and one of his friends that they were plotting against me. In the game, of course. They were making trades so Diego could have an uprise and he eventually won the game. I was mad.

His male friend said to Diego, “now go home and get some”, but Diego knew he wasn’t getting any after that shit he pulled to beat me in the game.

I eventually apologized for accusing Diego and his female friend for plotting against me. I blamed it on my bipolar.

I know I shouldn’t blame my bipolar on things within my control, but I was so determined that this was what was happening that I couldn’t bite my tongue.

I have yet to tell my doctor and my therapist has yet to say something about it. It’s like I’m paranoid and delusional. Not in the sense that I’m convinced people are after me or are trying to get something out of me. I’m paranoid and convinced that people don’t like me and they are trying to phase me out, one by one.

They, whoever “they” are, try to get Diego, my parents, my sister and friends against me. So anytime I see myself getting phased out or if I receive unfair treatment, my mind automatically goes to this idea.

I know it’s irrational and it’s why I quit my last couple of jobs. My very last job I left because I got another job offer, a better one at that. But if I hadn’t quit, I was determined that I was going to get fired anyways. Nor because I was a bad worker, but for whatever their hidden agenda was.

Same logic with my job at the doctor’s office. I think my immediate co-worker’s reported me to management, even though I was doing the same amount of work. I think they didn’t like me and so management escalated a small incident that I didn’t do to something that could have been a fireable offense, all due to a misunderstanding. So I walked out that day in tears and I was seething.

This concept of delusions is still all so new to me that I don’t have any coping mechanisms for them when it happens.

So if anyone has ideas for me on what to do, feel free to comment below.

Dani