Manic Exhaustion

Three days ago I wrote about how I was leveling out and I was neither manic nor depressed. I should have really appreciated that stability more than I did because I am now in a full blown manic state. I haven’t slept in over 50 hours, with minimal down time. I have delved into my painting, coloring, and writing and have spent the waking hours of the early morning creating plans for this blog and my website. Creatively, this manic state has been super beneficial in terms of planning and coming to terms with what I want to do in the near future.

My family has started to catch on to my mood swings and cycling. I have been living with my parents for the past year and a half. I had to move back in after I broke my foot because I needed help physically and financially. I could no longer afford rent and utilities once I stopped working for the government. As I await a new job, this is home for the next foreseeable future. It is blessing and a curse because my parents can hear my music blaring through my speakers throughout the night and see that the light always remains on. If that weren’t enough evidence to them that I haven’t slept, I am drinking coffee from 4-9 a.m. and buying redbulls to drink throughout the evening and night. Yesterday at lunch, my mother and sister expressed concern that I was going to do something reckless, like buy yet another car. I assured them I couldn’t afford to do that and I was using my coping mechanisms to pass the time rather than go to the casino. This morning my dad expressed concern that I was going to end up driving and getting into a car accident due to exhaustion. I assured him that I was doing my coping mechanisms and that I was going to go to therapy this morning and then try and sleep tonight.

This morning I went to see my therapist, Kelley. She stated it was good I was so self-aware in regard to my mood swings. She was concerned for me because of how worried my family is over me doing something impulsive and reckless. The only reckless thing that I did two nights ago was go to the casino and lost. I lost $400. So it’s not that bad, but I just have to forgive myself and move on. I told her my routine the past three days which includes painting or coloring, writing and drafting scripts, seeing the guy I like and going to the bar to sing karaoke. My only “homework” I have from therapy is to take a couple Xanax tonight to help me try and get back on a normal sleep schedule.

With all these eyes on me, I feel like a young child again, one who is taking her first steps and all of the adults are just anticipating her fall. With that being said, it’s not like I haven’t gone through my hypo-mania dozens of times before. I know what this disorder is capable of and I also know what I am capable of. I have never been this stable before in my entire existence with bipolar. I have never had as many coping mechanisms as I do now to rely on when I need something to do. I have never had a strong support system of family and friends until this year. This is the first cycling period where Diego wasn’t in the picture at all, but this is the first time that I’ve been manic and haven’t flocked to sex with strangers and going on sketchy random dates. This is the first time in a long time that I have been taking all of my medication consistently. This is the first time I sought out therapy when I knew I my mania was intensifying. For some odd reason, I feel as though something very positive is going to come out of this manic special. All I know is I’m just along for the ride.

Til Next Time,

Dani

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