Thanksgiving. Hanukkah. Christmas. New Year’s. It’s an existential dread to be in the holiday season yet again. I already bought into the scheme and already have my Christmas decor up and in its proper place. I hosted Thanksgiving without a hitch for the very first time. But man, am I zoning out through this chaotic time. I want to buy everyone I know and love the world and the things they really want or need. But I just don’t have the funds right now to do so.

I bought some gifts that are of legitimate value for some select folks. For example, my eight month old niece, I wanted her to open up a present so Kyle and I bought her a bigger toy so she can enjoy doing the wrapping paper. I bought gifts for Kyle’s mom and my mom, since his mom is up in Alaska celebrating alone, I wanted to get her a small gift we could send in the mail to her. As for my mom, her birthday was a week ago so I got her a couple of items on sale and that I know she would like and use. Everyone else? is getting a mug. Not the greatest gift ever, but definitely better than receiving a gift and not giving one back in return.

I feel bad being so broke. Like, we’re making ends meet just barely but the holidays I go all out for normally so to not partake in that somewhat depresses me. I realize that nobody wants us to go into more debt over something as simple as Christmas but the empath inside of me disagrees.

My mental health has been a rollercoaster lately from mania to depression to psychosis to fine for two minutes and then I circle back through all of those states of mind over the course of a few hours or even a few minutes. I love to hate the holidays because I had a lot of childhood trauma related to the holidays and I feel almost comatose since Thanksgiving after hosting for the very first time.

But 2am tonight? I am manic despite taking my anti anxiety medication that in theory should knock me out for 8+ hours but nooooooo. I got 3 hours and wide awake by midnight. I am tired, just not enough to go back to sleep hence why I am updating the blog since that hasn’t been done in a month.

I am right about the mental health roller coaster. Unemployment is really getting to me. But then again, I do have jury duty the week of Christmas so it’s nice I don’t have to call out from work because I technically have no where else to be.

My husband Kyle might need a second abdomen surgery this year… ever since his bowel obstruction in April, he’s lost 60+ pounds and was already thin to begin with. He can’t eat hardly anything without getting constipated and cannot have complete bowel movements. I don’t know if surgery is the right answer, but I think we would also rather choose surgery than surgery choosing us if he were to go septic again from another bowel obstruction (which can happen at any time; hey look at the three total he had this year). Because if he goes septic, he will have to have emergency surgery and will not only lose part of his bowels; he will be on an indefinite colostomy bag.

We’re supposed to speak to the surgeon for a consult January 5th. It’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t because his quality of life is suffering so much so since all this first started happening. Kyle has always had pretty… intense health issues but I never fathomed it would come to this. He is a walking skeleton and has to drink chicken broth half the time because that’s all he can pass through his system. I’m worried that 2026 is the year I will be widowed. I just don’t foresee this lasting much longer before malnourishment and other ailments get in the way since he can’t absorb nutrients properly even through the celiac disease he now has.

I don’t know what God has in store, but I do have faith. At least that’s something.

Dani