I really didn’t know what I would be getting into once I was diagnosed with schizoaffective as of mid 2024. I was a “bipolar girl” through and through; I knew everything I thought one could possibly know about the disorder. Boy, was I ignorant! Then God threw in a splash of hallucinations, paranoia and occasional delusions aka “delulu” and here we are.

I didn’t write more than fifty posts in the year 2024 and I started out strong but in order to accept my diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder I felt like I needed to blog about it to not only keep y’all posted, but to redefine my blog and shift things according to my new diagnosis. I felt a lot of shame for a long time about it whereas with bipolar, I had a sense of pride. I think more medium level mental illnesses are coming to light in the media because it is more common, therefore more socially acceptable to own that part of one’s identity.

But schizoaffective is isolating and although half of its traits consists of bipolar either 1 or 2 disorder, the seeing things and hearing things and even smelling things that aren’t truly there is a trip. I remember the first time I hallucinated, like the very first time, long before my official diagnosis, I was in a crowded place that made me feel as though I did not belong and maybe that was because I shouldn’t have been there, but I had this strong feeling and urge that people were following me and I thought I physically saw men blocking my path as I tried to navigate the building and try to escape. or at least not let it bother me.

I didn’t go see my PCP until the hallucinations and delusions were happening regularly. I was already on psych meds for my bipolar so they just increased my lithium and I got a higher dose of my PRN ( as needed med ) called hydroxyzine. I eventually switched my antipsychotic from Abilify which I thought stopped working for me altogether and switched to Zyprexa which made me feel great and euphoric initially only to gain a bunch of weight and feel like crap all over again. So now I am back on Abilify.

For the last 3-4 months, even with taking my antidepressant, antipsychotic, and mood stabilizer with a sublingual B12 vitamin and a high potency D3 vitamin, I still hallucinate every day. I have noticed that optical illusions affect my hallucinations. Like for example, if it is raining really hard and I am driving my vehicle, it feels like the rain is inside of my eye balls like visually not sensationally. Fast blinking lights also trigger episodes of my delusions and paranoia. Well, less paranoia, more hallucinations.

At first it is kind of neat but then when they don’t go away, I started crying like right before Kyle took me to my PCP because during his and I’s sexy time, I started hallucinating but I wasn’t high or drunk or under any influence, I started seeing shapes and stars of neon colors in a black space even though that does not remotely come close to my actual surroundings during this event. I started crying during sex and he stopped immediately and just held me as I cried. (Good man).

Another incident that I felt like bugs were crawling all over me and my legs felt weird; nothing was right. Kyle kept asking if he could hold me to make it better but I told him he couldn’t touch me because I didn’t want the bugs to get to him or get on him, even though we were sitting up in our bed at that time.

In my year of being schizoaffective, I have learned that none of this has to make sense because rationalizing crazy will only add to the crazy

QUICK DISCLAIMER: I am NOT calling anyone crazy or anyone with schizoaffective crazy. I am specifically calling the things I hallucinate as crazy.

But on top of all the delulu and hallulu and paranoia, there are also the “normal” or what I am used to at least mood swings as the bipolar portion of schizoaffective. Mania, agitation, apathy, lethargy, mixed states, depression, level headed, etc. I still track all of my moods in my habit tracker which I have successfully done daily since May 1, 2023, so almost two years! I am looking into a spreadsheet through Etsy or that I can buy that I can gather all of this mood info along with tracking psychotic features in the same tracker. I tried using the website Notion, but since I used all of the “free” features up, I must purchase a monthly subscription to get my spreadsheet on there of my moods and other habits up and running. So if anyone knows of any mood tracker / habit tracker worksheets or spreadsheets or anything nifty like that, please comment below!

ANYWHO. I digress. I don’t know where I was going with any of this. I want to write more this year and get into myself and my writing. I think this is a good and healthy outlet for me since this is basically my diary after all. I still want to write a book about all of my experiences in the social services fields at different organizations but If I can barely write once every two weeks, how could I possibly find the time and energy to write a full on book! And at home, I have a sink load of dishes that need washed but noooooooo! I am here working doing absolutely nothing when I could be doing literally anything else… sigh. Well, I am watching the youth in my shelter; that isn’t nothing. Plus I am getting paid to do so. I am just bored and have so many projects I want to work on.

Maybe my mania is switching up into gear and next thing I know, I won’t be able to get out of bed.

ON that note, I bid goodbye for now.

Sorry this sucked lol.

LOve,

Dani