This photo makes me laugh because of course, over time, I have changed and modified who I am as an autonomous individual but looking at the now versus then makes me think that the only thing that has changed is my pant size lol.

My love for black Jeeps with cool rims hasn’t changed. My love for comfy sandals has slightly upgraded as well as my particular choice and budget for cool Jeeps… Man if I could only give a speech to the little 18 year old Dani and how I thought adult life would be, I would have never believed my future self. When I was 18 and 19 years old, I had the world on a string; the world was quite literally my oyster. I was studying to be a paralegal, I ended up owning that Jeep Compass outright in half the time that I had set for the loan, so I paid off the 9k car in 1.5 years versus 3. I was gearing up to work for the government and get my security clearance while working as a bank teller and as a grocery store cashier. I lived on my own with my then boyfriend. What could have been better?

Flash forward to now and none of that is my current reality. If I told little Dani that at 26, I would be working as a lead counselor in a homeless shelter, getting married to someone besides Diego in about a month, have yet to finish school and have aspirations to be a social worker and work as a designated crisis responder…. I would have thought you lost your mind. Oh yeah, not to mention go from having bipolar disorder to schizoaffective and having a semi-successful blog in honor of mental health issues. I can only fantasize what 31 will look like for me… five years from now feels like no time at all and at the same time it seems ages away.

I hope I remain sober and I stick with my sober date because it takes a lot of effort to rebuild your life from nothing to something. I can’t promise I’ll be sober five, ten, fifty years from now but I can guarantee today I am not drinking. Now is the only time I have any say in the matter. But I do admit, when I went to an AA meeting and announced my one year sober last month, that felt pretty damn good to get all those atta girl’s. It makes me want to continue moving forward on this new path.

I often think everything I have achieved or received in the past year is thanks to sobriety. Kyle, my fiancé, has never seen me drink a lick of alcohol. Nor do I want him to see me get that drink in me… I become a whole other person I don’t want him to ever see. It’s not who I am nor who I want to be now. I am so many embarrassing drunk stories and none of them end well for me or the other people around me. I feel a lot of shame when recounting those memories. I also try not to be so hard on myself as that is part of my recovery story… But most of my memories in the last five years has to address sex, partying, drinking/drugging, and the cops. I wasn’t a dainty drunk, I do not know how to drink like a “lady”. I am a lady but I put ’em away faster than most men. I loved bourbon and tequila, but not together though, I’m not completely off my rocker lol. But now I have a new vehicle (without a blow ‘n’ go!!!) and I have a good job and a stable relationship and a better relationship with my family. What more could I ask for?

I sit here punching the keys of my MacBook Air at 3:29am while working the night shift. My co-worker didn’t realize she worked tonight so she’s out of county and I am here by myself. I like working by myself sometimes because I have the ability to work at my own pace and do things when I like to do things. I have watched YouTube, did laundry, cleaned the bathrooms and shower room. I’ll call Kyle and talk to him from 4-5am before he goes into work himself. Oh in other news, I didn’t get the outreach worker job I applied for with my agency that was out of county. I was talking about that with my coworker last night and she said I probably didn’t get it because they didn’t want to lose me as a stable and reliable shelter worker. I fill in all the gaps and work a lot of overtime because there’s always someone calling out for one reason or another. But on Friday, I interviewed for a full time position in the shelter so hopefully I get that so I can get benefits.

I was supposed to get benefits after going part time but whatever; now is better than never. Plus I need to get my sleep apnea surgery done to get the inspire implant so I won’t snore when I sleep and actually get restful sleep. Kyle likes my snoring apparently it is very comforting to him. But everyone else says my snoring is like a train; loud and abrasive and unavoidable. But the better sleep quality would be nice and worth every penny because I have to take a medication to stay awake during work and on my drive to/from work. My car accident in July was a direct result of me not being able to stay awake due to poor sleep quality.

I am contemplating going back to school winter quarter. I have three classes to take to graduate with my associates degree. Three really fucking hard classes, but if I legit did one class per quarter, I think I could do it. Last quarter it just got to be too much and I knew I would fail so I stopped trying. I would go this fall quarter but I don’t have the $600 and I’m using all my available funds to afford my wedding at the courthouse. Despite this not being a “real” wedding, it sure is expensive. Plus once the wedding is paid for and over with, I got to get a backup camera on my Jeep as well as step up bars because I’m so freaking short that I have to literally jump into the vehicle to get in it and drive. Both those items run around $1400 for both. So more saving is necessary.

Despite all the happy stress going on, my mental health has been pretty decent. I am not frolicking in a field and smelling the flowers sort of joyful, but I’m not beating myself up physically or emotionally. I am excited to get married to Kyle and see what the future holds. I’ll move in with him by the end of this month. My medication is doing its damn job correctly so I can’t complain. Well… one thing I am somewhat upset about is the fact that my meds drain my creativity. I haven’t painted or drawn anything in over a year. I think I am going to sell all my paints and canvases because they’re no good to me sitting in a box in my room, not being used. That thought makes me sad.

I think that is enough self analyzing for me this morning. LOL.

Much love,

Dani