I never thought I would make it this far. I think most people say this on their birthday, but for me it couldn’t have been more true.

I never thought I would see age 26 but in reality this is a much more important birthday than the one that passed a week or so ago.

Today I am six months sober from drugs and alcohol. Six months ago in a few hours from this moment so once it turns to February 18th it will mark six months since I got arrested for the second time on a DUI charge. But this time I knew no one could bail me out of jail.

Due to my illness that had spun out of control, I decided to hit up a bar in another county the night before my court date which would officially make my first DUI turn into a negligent driving. I thought I’d be good to drive home after a beer and taking two – 25 mg pills of hydroxyzine along with my other bipolar medication which do share the label of “don’t mix with alcohol or cannabis. Can cause drowsiness. Operate motor vehicle with care.”

I thought I was invincible compared to a pill bottle’s warning label and after consuming five pills all with the same warning label (now mind you, I took the correct dosage but I took with alcohol which then caused some light drowsiness as one might say after wrecking a $40,000.00 car).

I swerved and dipped all the way back to my county and at some point I wrecked by hitting a metal median guardrail which took out the siding of my Honda Pilot, a tire popped off on the right side don’t know how that happened and then the side air bags deployed from how hard I hit on the left side and swerved harshly to correct it once I felt the impact which is what woke me up.

I called the cops on myself which I felt deserved brownie points but it wasn’t like I could’ve fled the scene there was no where but open highway to go and I knew I couldn’t just sit there.

A 0.03 BAC level led me to handcuffs which is 0.05 points underneath the legal driving limit in Washington State but with a prior DUI and court in the morning, I was doomed.

I try not to remember my short, but what felt like the longest four days in history, stint in jail. I think the first two days (I’m unaware of the time frame here because there were no clocks or calendars) I laid on a concrete bench with a very thin plastic, cot like mattress and slept for about two days straight. The guards asked me if I was detoxing as they brought trays of food into my single cell but I said no I was not detoxing. I would get up to use the bathroom but it was about two feet from my bed. At least I had my own toilet, I thought… but I knew if I was awake longer that the pain of the car accident would kick my ass and I would start sobbing because I was inconsolable and miserable and didn’t know what my new future would hold.

It was a Sunday that I was taken to gen pop (general population) and there were a total of 16 people to this large roomed area. There were four “rooms” downstairs and four rooms upstairs. I was in the bottom right hand room which made me happy because the only two toilets and one shower were in the common area downstairs.

My roommate hated me because of my. Severe obstructive sleep apnea. The guards punished the girl who asked for a room change but was eventually moved because apparently my snoring is insufferable.

I had a Bible in new room and I sobbed and prayed to God that I would never drink or use drugs again because I can’t live like this.

I called my mother around 8am on Friday morning to tell her I was being booked to jail. I didn’t get to speak with her until two days later once I was in general population.

The nurses would get me up to take meds and I had some of my bipolar meds but not all but I thought the nurses were poisoning me with my not normal medication with how suicidal I was feeling or maybe that was just how anyone would feel if they were in my shoes and back in jail with no set bail.

I ended up having to talk to a social worker while I was in there and I talked myself out of a psych ward stay, thank God, because then I would really lose my job at the psych ward if I ended up being a patient there.

My mom and dad on the phone on that Sunday afternoon told me they hired me an attorney and I had court at 2pm the next day to see when I could get out. I was sobbing on the phone but I had peace that everything was going to be okay.

Come Monday I had made friends with the head honcho girl in jail who was like the boss lady, knew everything you needed to know about jail life. I had the word vomits where I said something to the affect of, “I’m too pretty for jail; I don’t belong here.” And she says, “What are we? Chopped liver?!” I reply, “No, no, no! You all have been so hospitable to me……” they bust up laughing and say I’m aight. It was the moment of acceptance I needed to get through the final hours of court and eventually being released from jail.

I saw my dad on Zoom and my mom and sister in the court room with the Judge as I was on Zoom in a special jail court room. I remember not hearing much of what went on because the female and male inmates were in the same room and were checking each other out. I was first to be up because my last name starts with an ‘A’.

My mother made a speech to the judge of why I should get released and given another chance and without that, I don’t think I would have been released on personal resonance that same day.

My dad picked me up on the way home from his work and it was the longest day of my life. I remember my first post jail shower couldn’t have been better than anything else that day and taking my own medication and sleeping in my own bed.

I was jailed from August 18th-22nd and on the 23rd I went to my last first AA meeting in my life which was a first step meeting; folks shared how they got here and what got them sober and what keeps them sober. As much as I wanted sobriety and was a couple days clean, I was in denial and wanted to be normal.

…..

Now at six months clean, my whole life has changed. I have a new to me car, a 2013 Toyota RAV4 and I’m almost done paying off the Honda pilot I wrecked (owe less than $1000 on it). I have a loving boyfriend who is a normie but is very supportive of my sobriety and all that. I kept my job and I’m now doing the online training to be a peer support counselor and once I pass the state exam I aim to work as a peer support counselor in the all system through my job. I have the trust of my family back and my friends which I never thought could happen. I have a sponsor who believes in me and we work the steps together. She actually gave me the six month coin tonight at her meeting which was also a first step meeting for a new comer and I got so many atta girl’s and hugs and it felt good that so many people were on my side for once. By the end of the month, I’ll be done with Intensive OutPatient and I will go to Outpatient twice a week for two hours at a time versus three days a week and three hour shifts on top of my full time job.

I’ve made a lot of positive progress and I’ve grown to be proud of me and love myself like I do others and I think I’m worth all this work I’ve put into myself.

Thanks for believing in me.

Much love,

Dani