I feel like this year was a sole reflection of me fighting who I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing with my life. To say that my prior jail time was the “highlight” of my year sounds a little weird to me, but it definitely was a turning point.

All my past actions this year was in a fight with myself and others that I didn’t have this problem that was well pronounced to everyone else except for me. It was easy to say I didn’t have a problem with weed and alcohol because the enablers in my life said I was fine and normal. My second DUI in two years and multiple chemical dependency assessments said otherwise.

It seems silly being four and half months into my recovery now that I sacrificed so much for such vain pleasure in vices, but I guess we all have our own growing pains. Some happen in their teen years, twenties, forties, or maybe never.

In some ways I feel ahead of the game as far as sobriety goes because most of my peers are double my age with the same amount of sober time. I think it was so hard for me to admit to having a drinking problem because it never got to the extent that I was drinking around the clock and was a ‘maintenance drinker’. I never really hid from anyone that I was drinking I was pretty open about it. But the common denominator was when I drank, I would find keys and start driving. Not to be reckless, but that was the inherent consequence whether I was one or more drinks in. I would drive from the bar to my home and I would be intoxicated because geographically it was impossible for me to Uber anywhere because I lived so damn far away from the festivities.

I think if I followed the trajectory of my ancestors in the drinking category, I would most certainly become a maintenance drinker which is basically drinking to not feel the affects of sobriety such as shaking, nausea, vomiting, hangover symptoms. Most people who drank with me this past year didn’t think I had a problem with alcohol because I could have two or three drinks and call it quits because that’s all it took for me to get a decent buzz. But I would do reckless things when I was intoxicated and maybe that was just the alcohol or I could blame things on my bipolar disorder, but basically, when I drank, problems arose. I ended up throwing up everywhere, getting kicked out of bars for throwing up everywhere, driving intoxicated, getting arrested twice, not going to court because I was already in jail for driving intoxicated, you name it.

I had lots of issues in alcoholics anonymous because I couldn’t relate to the maintenance drinkers and hard core alcoholics. That isn’t my story. And it’s not. But the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking and when I looked at the laws like so rather than on my own feelings and weird stigmas, it was a lot easier to move past my adversity toward myself and move forward in my recovery.

I mentioned my alcoholism to Diego recently and he was taken aback. “So you finally are admitting you have an addiction?” “Yes. I may not be as bad when I drink as some are, but the ramifications are not good when I do drink or use. I am clearer headed when I’m sober and it’s easier to say I’m an alcoholic than a problem drinker when it comes to defining the terms of my treatment plan and when introducing myself at AA meetings. It would be more ostracizing if I said ‘hi, I’m Dani and I’m a problem drinker/pothead’ rather than “Hi, Dani — alcoholic, pothead.'”

What’s the difference between a problem drinker and an alcoholic? Virtually nothing; just one of those makes me feel better about myself because it’s like my personal loophole.

It’s all semantics, that’s all life is in my humble opinion. Alcoholics Anonymous is just semantics; do what works for you and leave what doesn’t. It’s what you make of the program, not trying to mold you to this stale and crusty format that worked for old men nearly 100 years ago.

I feel like I had more to say about this topic besides being an alcoholic. But I guess that was most of my year, dealing with the ramifications of drinking or was actively drinking or smoking weed. I’ve been gainfully employed since the beginning of July so for about six months now, I bought a car I negotiated a hell of a deal on. I’m in a good relationship with a good, God fearing man and I am sober. What more can I ask for?

I don’t really have specific goals or intentions for this new year except keep on the good fight. I use my planner daily and I track my habits daily, weekly, and monthly. I want to continue my budgeting journey and pay off my student loans by July this year, pay off my RAV4 in the next two years, start saving and maxing out a ROTH IRA, investing, just preparing financially for my future.

I think it always surprises me that I have made it this far in life because I was on a mission to end my life at a young age due to my own actions or my health or just plain stupidity. Now that I have love for myself and value my life and the meaning that I give to the world, I need to prepare for the things I haven’t given much earnest thought to before. Family, husband, kids, a dog, a life, retirement, a home, buying a home, building wealth, writing a book, or writing five books. I don’t know I just need to build a financial little nest egg and build my life with someone whom I adore and who adores me and I now feel like I don’t deserve to be alone.

I deserve someone who loves me with the empathy that I possess for them and the world around us. I deserve that because God loved me so, so much. He died on the cross so that just I (along with the rest of the world) could be saved and I could live His life He planned out for me. Good wants me to be joyful along with my loved ones. I finally am happy now that I am not masking my pain and problems with false solutions found in labeled bourbon bottles.

I found a good man, one who adores me, treats me well. I don’t know what my future holds, but I think if I hold on to him, it will be okay.

Happy New Year 2024!

Much love,

Dani