I don’t know about you, but I never liked labels. Growing up I was teased and tormented called names I now no longer remember, but still remember sitting at the kitchen counter with my mother crying over what the kids talked about me behind my back or straight to my face during the school day.

The one time I accepted my label was when I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Because that was scientific and medical fact. It was a harsh truth that I could only cope with and never overcome. But yesterday at work I got an email from the drug and alcohol treatment center in regards to my evaluation. I was diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, mild and cannabis use disorder, moderate.

I can’t help but feel some sort of way about it. My first instinct is to prove “them” meaning the agency, wrong and how I would do that? By drinking and smoking weed like a normal person!

But what does that prove? Nothing. And I have already been “recommended” to participate in SIX MONTHS, yes you heard me right, SIX WHOLE MONTHS of weekly outpatient classes. So I am assuming UA’s are required which would mean at the very least, no weed smoking, but I honestly don’t wish to drink even though my drinking wouldn’t be picked up on a UA test. I am thankful it is not IOP (Intensive Outpatient) because that just means a lot more $$$.

I think the shitty part about all of this is that it’s all a fucking scam. I think they use the most vulnerable population to turn a profit. Sure, we may be portrayed as villains because we drink and drive or whatever, but the crux of the issue is that people are truly sick, addiction is a disease not a lifestyle choice. So these treatment centers partner with the court system to “recommend” years and years of treatment and the court agrees because it keeps us out of jail and the judges get paid by us felons in random ass charges and require bullshit means to keep people out of jail and that doesn’t aid in keeping people sober or healthy.

In my humble opinion, if we aimed at keeping folks sober and healthy we should uproot our whole healthcare system and throw it in the trash. Yes, I mean trash. US healthcare is a joke to turn a profit. Especially when it comes to mental and behavioral health. When having one of the two issues or both, they are recommended to go to the emergency department and pay thousands out of pocket because they don’t have insurance at all or because they have decent insurance and requires you to pay for 20% of you ED visit. So let’s say they do tests and charge $10,000.00 for the visit and send you home with a therapist recommendation. You still owe $2,000.00 out of pocket for what you could have done at home on the Internet.

Today I was told that I cannot go to the place where I was evaluated at for treatment because my work schedule does not coincide with their weekly therapy sessions. So as my mom and I were driving and running errands, we stumbled across a treatment center that is twenty minutes from our house versus the one that I went to for my assessment that was almost an hour away. I was pleased with the service I received as they gathered my ID and insurance info. But here’s the problem: I have “private” insurance so I may have to pay a hefty amount out of pocket because they tend to only accept some insurance, primarily being medicare/medicaid. And that is because they always pay no matter what. I know that being a tech at a mental health facility. So I have a phone appointment next Thursday to go over my insurance and payment options and get on the schedule. So it may be that this still doesn’t work but they said they had weekly classes on Thursdays which is my day off work so I am hoping this isn’t a butt load of money.

Today was pretty good actually. It was my first day off from work since my shoulder and back injury which is much better now thank goodness. I went to the noon AA meeting and shared about how I had mild alcoholism and moderate cannabis use which got a good laugh even though I was being serious. But in hindsight it is kind of funny in a room of alcoholics who have all nearly died from consuming too much to be considered just “mild” by a medical professional.

After that, my mom and I went to lunch at Denny’s where we got breakfast and it was good. Then as we drove into the parking lot of the bank, I noticed the treatment center which is what I discussed earlier. Then went to the bank. There is a new Grocery outlet in our town about two minutes from our house and so we went to the grand opening and I bought us $70 worth of groceries which was 5! whole reusable bags worth and anymore, that is an excellent deal.

Since then I have been chilling at home. Now I am sober 57 days since now writing this it is past midnight. I will have my 2 months on Monday which is exciting. I’m gonna tap out now while I am still ahead… ha!

much love,

Dani