*I wrote this soon after I got sober but some things still ring true*

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Emptiness fills the gaps betweeen

The open doorway and the window

Where the cold comes in through the cracks

Of the frame. A breeze chimes in making the hot

Days a little more bearable. Sitting with the blame

I have towards others and the resentments pool

Together with wasted moments and snarled words

I can’t take back. It was me it was always me I am

The issue, not you. I can’t fix you and your troubles

Only I can fix myself like the broken window that allows the breeze to come through.

As winter arrives, I oil and grease the hinges allowing the frame to shut properly.

If only I could oil and grease my brain and heart

To turn my bitterness into relentless joy.

Take away the spirits, take away the mind altering

Substances and you have the shell of a woman

Who has never one day done internal reflections

Of any kind. She doesn’t know how to socialize

And she doesn’t know how to relate to others

Which was what drove the addictions to take over

In the first place. Now substances are gone, now

What? How does one repair the broken promises,

How does one connect to God when she can’t see Him herself.

How can one fit in with this broken world when she is not of this world?

How…

I’m left with my fixed window, allowing breezes in summer and the window

holds tight when winter comes.

I fixed me. When will others fix themselves? When will one make amends to me

for the wrongs they caused. When will someone look me in the eye and say

they’re sorry. No one will. Maybe because sinners aren’t remorseful? No.

Maybe because sinners do not carry the burden to uphold righteousness

despite those that think that they should indeed uphold righteousness.

My moral dilemmas stand between God and I, as I aim to be closer to Him.

As wear and tear happens to my old window, I will faithfully repair the broken

screws and cracked frame and shattered glass. Not because one tells me to,

but because I am the one responsible to fix my mess and help those who cannot help

themselves. As for apologies, I will expect none and service those with a servant’s heart.

For this will bring me true joy. Not momentary happiness that this world could ever

provide. True joy comes from the Lord, not from worldly things because if it did,

everyone would have turned away from God to obtain joy. Joy is gifted to us by Jesus because

we accept Him into our hearts and through adversity, we are brought closer to Him and His joy

all according to His plan.

…

It is so easy to lose sight of the mission when we rely solely on faith to believe that He is real and we can rely on Him for everything. I know I do often. But it’s also like establishing habits; consistency is everything. We create consistency by throwing ourselves off the deep end, so to speak, and throwing ourselves into scripture, group studies, pray, and worship. The more you do it, the more you put your effort into your actions and walk the talk so to speak. It’s how I’m succeeding at my sobriety; I am throwing myself into meetings and in the word. Same kind of concept.

Well let me get off my soapbox and let you get on with your day.

Much love,

Dani