I never really understood the true meaning of this term until today. Now mind you these were the words that were spoken from the judge’s lips when I was bailed out of jail at a zero monetary cost.

Personal resonance means “a quality that makes something or someone feel personally meaningful or important to ones self.”

In my court case, the judge felt as though I may have learned my lesson through personal resonance rather than tacking on more and more legal fees. I learned my lesson when it comes to driving while intoxicated. I learned my lesson through my four days in jail. I learned my lesson through all of these experiences.

I was reading my daily reflections of the AA book tonight and I thought it was interesting that they indirectly brought up personal resonance. They discussed an instance where the same thing happened months apart, but the only difference is the character’s action, reaction, and feelings toward the situation.

In month one, the dogs barked which annoyed the neighbors so with guilt and shame, they let the dogs inside.

IN month four, the dogs barked but the character had a peace about him when bringing in the dogs. He thought, “Dogs bark”. And as an act of personal resonance, he brought the dogs in and felt good about his actions.

I’m not sure why this touched me so. But I think being bipolar and maybe just being a normie with feelings our attitudes toward life is the only thing we can change. We can only change our own feelings and if we don’t, we spread what we think whether it be good or bad, toxic or not.

By changing our rhetoric it changes everything. Man, sometimes I am bummed when my coworkers are going out to the bar after work and I don’t get invited because I no longer drink. I try not to dwell on “I can’t do this or that.” I dwell on “I get to be sober another moment, maybe even another day.” “I get to see my sober friends tomorrow at the AA meeting.” “I feel so good being sober; I am clear headed and feel good!”

Sobriety is important to me. I can’t say that it always will be. But today it is and I will treat it as a quality that has meaning to me, which it does. I have 53 days sober. In one week, I may if I choose to stay sober and by the grace of God, I will achieve my 60 days sober and receive a coin next week. That is something I greatly look forward to. I am proud of that fact. Even if my sobriety took a nudge from the judge to happen, even if I am legally required to attend AA meetings and fill out court slips, my sobriety to me is just as precious as it is to you. And it all starts and ends with attitude and rhetoric. I’m a firm believer in that.

Today sucked. I’ll be honest, but having the coping skills to not smoke weed or drink allows me to have a better mindset and look at things in a way I never knew could be true. I thought I would be enslaved to addiction no matter what it was for the duration of my life. I am finding this to be very much false.

I am also thinking out that first drink, like they say in the meetings. My first drink would be a tequila sunrise. But then I think about me drinking and driving and killing a small family and ending up in prison for life. I couldn’t live with myself at that point. My family couldn’t live without me nor could they live with my grave mistakes. Is prison, and vehicular homicide worth one tequila sunrise? Or three?

These may seem like huge exaggerations to some, but I had not one, but two major car wrecks involving little to no alcohol but boy if I would have gotten in a wreck with another driver, these few takes would be my harsh reality.

So when you look at it like that, it makes that tequila sunrise look like shit. As for weed, I can’t accurately play out that tape because I only smoked for pain and it helped so there is little repercussions for that. So it is harder to abstain from. But somehow I’ve managed.

I think with attitude replacement, we must do a lot of internal work in order to assess where we stand with ourselves, others, and objects. Not everything is always hunky dory and roses and butterflies. And we must admit that that is more than okay. But we also have the personal responsibility to not project our own negativity onto others. Or if we do, there is a way to discuss our issues without projecting our negative self image onto those we love.

I’ll get off my soapbox for now and let y’all get some sleep cuz God knows I need some.

Dani