Despite my depression being bad all week, I woke up today in a fairly good mood, despite me finding out I forgot to take my evening meds and so I immediately took them and choked and proceeded to the bathroom to puke up two of the four I had choked on. ‘

Vomiting every morning has become the daily norm since before I got my stomach and throat endoscopy back in July. I go back to the GI doc in October since apparently nothing is wrong with me even though I am still vomiting every morning and can’t take my omeprazole which helps with GERD until after I puke, otherwise I will throw up all my morning pills. Fortunately in some weird way it doesn’t take much for me to get sick; I just have to have a few drags off my nicotine vape and a few sips of water and then I am puking up snot, water, and stomach bile. Which I am pretty sure is not a normal morning routine for most 25 year olds.

But I digress. After I puked up my evening meds taken this morning, I was able to successfully swallow and consume my morning meds without getting sick so at least I got some crazy meds in my system and tonight I will get back on track with my evening meds.

At noon I went to the AA meeting with my mom and I didn’t care much for the topic or what others had to say since there was a lot of passive aggressive cross talking and I didn’t get a chance to share because of it. I don’t really need to share every time I go in, but I like to get out of my own head and share about what I’m feeling and thinking with like minded individuals. But regardless if I liked the meeting or not, it helped me gain another hour sober of alcohol and cannabis.

Today is my 29th day sober. If I can make it five hours and 57 more minutes, I will achieve 30 days sober which I guess is a big deal in AA. You get a 30 day coin and everything which is still kind of a weird thing for me because in Gambler’s Anonymous, we never got coins, only keychains which I kinda get considering coins and money is associated with gambling and placing bets. So as a primarily speaking gambling addict, it feels odd to place my 24 hours sober coin in the front of my ID slot in my wallet. I place it there mainly so I won’t lose it, but also because I can’t as easily pull out my ID without looking at my sobriety coin… so if I ever were to go back to a bar or buy booze, I have that one little deterrent to not buy alcohol or weed or go to places like bars that ask for ID. Go to a barber shop and hang around a while, you’re bound to get a hair cut. Same philosophy for the coin in the ID slot / hanging in bars.

I have never been sober this long since I was 18 years old. I know 29 days doesn’t sound like a lot of sober days but when you get buzzed or high at least once a week for seven years straight it feels different not doing those same old toxic habits. Different in a good way, I should say. People are noticing a change in me. I’m finally getting this adulting stuff, lol. My mom and dad are super proud of me going to work, working a ton of overtime, going to AA meetings any chance I get, working on myself by reading, writing, working on my planner appointments and overall life to do lists, cleaning every weekend, and starting to play video games again as a form of entertainment and self care. I told my mom today that at some point when this life stuff settles down, I intend on finishing my AA degree at community college. I have four classes left to graduate and I want to do one class per quarter or two classes per calendar year for two years; that way I am not overwhelmed with too much to do all at once considering I think my last four classes for a general associates is all math or science based which I am terrible at.

At least then I can pay for each class out of pocket and have enough time to save for the next class / quarter.

I have gotten only atta girl’s at work this past week for finally getting my shit together and doing my job at 110% effort and not getting in trouble and quarrels with co workers. I am just trying to stay under the supervisor radar and the only way I can do that is focusing on work at work and leaving my court and other obligations at the door once I clock in because if I’m not mentally at work, I shouldn’t be at work either. So I’ve gotten some praise from supervisors because they know what happened and that I have a totaled vehicle and I’m getting rides from family until I can afford a vehicle outright.

Anyways! After the AA meeting, mom and I visited my sister at her work briefly, got lunch and went shopping at Target. I’m honestly not much of a shopper when it comes to clothes and household items. But I needed new underwear and maybe two bras and a back up pair of jeans since mine are getting worn in the upper thigh area because of chub rub lol. I’ve lost about 15 pounds and kept it off since I got out of jail, so for 29 days now, and although my jean size is the same due to my legs and butt, my underwear size when from XL to L since I lost my weight in the lower abdomen / pelvis area which I was mid key excited about.

So what did I buy? I bought eight panties, two regular bras, one sports bra, one regular high waisted size 16 jeans that are straight legged, one clearance pair of shorts (for next summer), one printed emerald green and white pants, one pull over sweater (Hello fall sweater weather), one green quarter sleeved plain shirt, one purple date night dress, a candle, and a book. Total came to $304.25. oh and a celsius energy drink I’ve been wanting to try. And a pair of sunglasses and a new black crossbody purse. Each item I bought I needed or would use within the next week or so. I think the best thing about it all since I’ve been back at my job for the past two plus months is that I paid all of that large amount of money with cash and I still have approximately $1,300 in my checking account. I haven’t charged or borrowed or gotten a personal loan in over six months for any reason whatsoever (granted I don’t have any open or available credit to charge anything, but I digress). Having cash on hand and budgeting every dollar I make is very liberating and I feel very powerful not putting that $304 on a credit card or going negative in my account to get things I either need or want. It’s paid and that’s it.

My main bills are paid and as far as my debt is concerned, my biggest debt is being paid off as we speak. Insurance cut the credit union a check for $25,000.00 roughly to cover a large portion of my totaled out 2016 Honda Pilot. The remainder of the loan should and will most likely be paid out by GAP insurance. So that’s roughly 40 grand off my credit score by the end of the year.

I’ve held off on filing bankruptcy until my wreck DUI shit goes away or at the very least slows down. Most of my credit cards and loans are around or at 90 days delinquent so I would imagine they will be going to collections soon if they haven’t already. But mind you, I would just pay this shit but the minimums before any delinquency was almost 4,000 a month including my car. I now make 3000 a month if I work full time with no overtime. Not to mention the late fees and what not I just can’t swing it. Not to mention the $5000 I owe in attorney fees alone that my dad paid on my behalf. I have been cash flowing all other expenses for the DUI like a drug and alcohol assessment is $300 I paid cash for and my classes and lectures were $50 each. Plus I’m trying to save money for a vehicle that I buy private party and with the economy now, a basic beater with a heater that still has tranny issues is minimum $5000. I got about a grand saved but at this rate it won’t be until my birthday (hello Aquarian season come late January and early February) until I feasibly see myself in a new to me vehicle.

So in some ways I feel rich when I ignore about 80% of my credit card debts, loans, and lines of credit. I am about $500 away to finishing off paying what was originally a loan for 10k that I got when consolidating my consumer debt due to me taking cash advances off two credit cards to afford my gambling addiction. I plan on paying that by the beginning of November and I started paying on my student loans since they started accruing interest this month, even though I’m not due to pay them until February of 2024. But shit, I don’t want to pay interest so I paid some of the student loan so now it sits with a balance of just under $2,000 so hopefully I can get that paid by June of next year depending on how aggressively I can budget for that to pay off. The only reason I am concerned with it is because student loans are not forgiven by the Biden administration or by bankruptcy so I gotta be responsible and pay it. At least I dropped out of Washington State University when I did so I don’t have to pay off more accrued debt that accrues even more interest.

So yes I spent $304 on shit I needed a couple things I wanted. Do I regret it? No. I work hard for my money and I should be able to purchase things I need without feeling any sort of negativity about it. In my sobriety, I have become very frugal and that’s because I can’t / choose not to gamble and I haven’t online shopped on Amazon or anywhere else where impulse buying is a thing since I more or less lost my last job.

For the first time in a long time, I felt positive about the way I’m living my life. I am appeasing my family, my friends, my neighbors, my community, my coworkers and clients. it may be hard to believe but internally I am a people pleaser with a lot of empathy toward others. I like making others happy. It’s why I was always a good student in elementary and middle school. My love of learning was fostered by teachers that were pleased with my behavior and nurtured my attention span with quality education. This pleased my parents which in return pleased me. In high school, I got my first job and worked for one year straight along with being a state championship competitor for my high school’s speech and debate team. I saved up $5000 at 16 years old and bought my own car out of pocket. I excelled during personal adversities and tragedies, I made others happy and feel pleased when I couldn’t feel that way at myself.

Then as you all know, my bipolar II diagnosis came at 18 and by my 20th birthday, I let my vices get the best of me. Others were pleased that I was given the opportunity to work for the government at such a young age as a marine machinist mechanic. My boyfriend at the time was not so pleased that I cheated on him with my banker “friend” before I started my naval career. From infidelity, to breaking my foot, to beginning a new career, to starting what would end up being a crippling gambling addiction that led to house-less-ness and crippling debt. The broken foot led to three more or less unsuccessful surgeries, addiction to narcotics and had me in and out of 15 jobs in 5 years. The joblessness led to me moving back home over five times in addition to the fights my now ex-fiance and I would have over money and chores and infidelity and whatever may have you. The ex-fiance led to countless and I mean countless one night stands and flings and boyfriends and eventually another what soon would be ex-fiance #2.

What I am trying to say is that maybe if I allowed myself to please others instead of attempting to please myself with every vice known to man kind, I would still be with Diego or ex fiancé #2 or maybe I would still be at the naval shipyard or at least not have 15 different jobs on my resume. because according to my own self thinking and only relying on me, I wouldn’t take meds for the bipolar or think about anything or anyone else but myself. Not being medicated for the first four years of my bipolar diagnosis really added to my seemingly toxic behavior. It’s not an excuse, but more of a reason why I was so toxic. That and lack of discipline.

Now that I am sober of drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, and sex (and whatever vices I am forgetting), I feel like I’m my old self again in a way, like eight year old Dani with the braid down to her waist who just needed the approval of her elders and to be liked by others. I can’t hide from my issues anymore because there is nothing to hide behind. I take my meds; four pills up, four pills down for eight pills a day and with that and sobriety and a little bit of Jesus, I feel good for the first time in a very very long time.

Much love,

Dani