I haven’t posted a lot of photos on my blog in a long time… not so much for privacy purposes, which I suppose I should be concerned about. But because I haven’t been happy with myself. My depression and depression part of bipolar disorder has been pretty bad lately and I haven’t felt like writing which is something I love to do.

Today I feel I guess not happy, but content which during a depressive state is all one can truly ask for (at least for me anyways). Diego (my ex) asked me to watch our dog, Poncho today because it was too cold outside to keep him in his huge outside kennel for the duration of Diego’s ten hour shift. So I got my work stuff together as I work at 11pm tonight and drove south toward Diego’s house.

I grabbed food and Dutch Bros (because, of course) and rescued my baby boi. Poncho and I have been chilling in bed for most of the day as per usual. I turned on the heater so it’s not literally 48 degrees in the house and we have been napping on and off.

Diego bought Poncho a coat for outdoors and a sweater for in the house and I tried to put him in his little coat but it was too small because Poncho is so tubby lol. It had velcro straps so it was adjustable but like his mom and dad, he ain’t no skinny mini. But despite it being too small, he liked it a lot! As a puppy, he hated his sweatshirt hoodie we bought him, but he seemed to like his new coat. It was green and plaid. Very Christmas-y.

I just needed a relaxing day with my doggo where I didn’t do any of my responsibilities and it made me feel better. Last night I got a little drunk and high and I was super depressed so obviously that didn’t help me any. But now I am content.

I did do something productive today though…. I signed up for classes for winter 2023 quarter at school! My degree is almost entirely all online except for two classes that I must take in the following two quarters. One class in person per quarter, one day a week at the college. So my class schedule is this:

-Math 107: Math in society (my last math class in order to get my associate’s and technical certification) Online, no required meetings.

-HS 114: SUDP (Substance Use Disorder Professional) Group Counseling. Every Wednesday from 1-4pm from 01/03/2023 – 03/17/2023. In person, required meetings.

-HS 112: Case Management for CDP (Chemical Dependency Professionals). Online, required meetings every Wednesday from 5-8pm from 01/03/2023 – 03/17/2023.

…

I am actually really excited about the classes I am taking next quarter because it’s the meat and potatoes of my classes, the bulk of my working knowledge will come from these few classes. I mean, not math. It’s a bullshit class I have to take. However it will be difficult because from 1-8pm every Wednesday I will have classes with an hour intermission in-between. But Wednesdays are my Monday at work so I work 11pm-7am. So I don’t work Tuesday night but I would still have to go to school or be logged in online from 1-8pm and then have a three hour break where I should do homework but probably wouldn’t and then would have to work 11-7pm. That just made my eight hour day and turned it into an eighteen hour day, so no thanks.

Now I gotta ask work if I can work Fridays instead of Wednesdays at least for the sake of the next 2.5 months and if I can’t work Fridays, I guess I will have to forfeit my Wednesday shift and the money that comes with it because school takes priority. I want to prove to myself and my family and my friends that I can achieve a degree and I understand it is just a piece of paper but to me, it signifies hard work that has finally paid off and dedication to my craft. I am working toward not one, but two degrees and that is a big fucking deal.

I was told by several people that my work should take priority and I shouldn’t try to give up my shift so fast and what I am thinking is that school should take priority because I don’t want to be a caregiver forever and school is my way out of poverty and my only way I can truly succeed in life. Not to say that others cannot succeed in life without college or trade school, but for me personally, I have tried everything else and if I don’t finish college, I am screwed over financially and I will never be able to recover because I would never have another high paying job again.

…

Now it is 1:14am and I am back in my depressive little small and sad hole. I am at work sitting in a chair with my heater blanket and I was nearly in tears until I remembered I had hydroxyzine in my bag for nights like this! I feel a little better and feel more emotionally stable since taking that around an hour ago. Usually hydroxyzine and Xanax and the like make me super tired; however, I think I was so worked up for whatever reason that it just brought be from 90 to normal real fucking quick.

I was dating this older guy not too long ago and basically I ended things because his availability sucks. He kept badgering me today via text like saying if I still wanted him and that he missed me and all of that bullshit. I finally respond kinda lightly implying that I didn’t want to be with him and he keeps pestering me, kinda playing with my emotions and it was making me upset like visibly upset, not that he could see that through a text message though.

I don’t like to feel forced into doing something I don’t want to do. I am a person who will give in to keep the peace and make others happy but obviously if I want to be with someone or not is my decision and my decision alone. For him to feel like he could emotionally coerce me into feeling a different way is emotionally abusive. Or that’s what it felt like to me.

I started to feel like used and abused, similar to how I felt as I was getting raped many moons ago. That same feeling swept through my body as I am receiving these messages from this guy and I keep it calm and cool for the most part with gentle jabs, but I ended up apologizing if I offended him because that’s my own issue not his and he didn’t deserve my jabs despite him acting like a prick to me. He was very selfish, always saying that, “Loving him was an investment.” He was very career oriented which I can respect and also a father to two young kids which I can also get behind. But he simply couldn’t make time for me unless it was to appease him in some way, always on his schedule and I would have to drop everything I was doing for him to be happy with me.

Simply put, I don’t need that. I don’t know what I need but someone who isn’t emotionally available is not one of them. And then he says it’s the age thing isn’t it. I said no because it’s really not I could not care less how much older you are than me but if I ever change my mind and want kids, he isn’t going to want to start over when he has teenagers almost out of the house and get married and all that jazz. I told him that the difference between him and I is that he is jaded whereas I am young and maybe a little naive when it comes to these “adult and relationship things.” Sure everyone wants a piece of me when I please them, but how about pleasing me? What about my happiness? What about my well being?

When it comes to anyone but yourself, most people drop significant others like there’s no tomorrow. When I said my goodbyes to him originally I put my guard up and I am happy I did because if I didn’t, I would be head over heels for this asshole and saying yes I will come back to you as you ignore me and treat me poorly.

I am currently talking to a guy my own age and he is really sweet and kind and is very thoughtful. That’s another reason I didn’t want the former guy texting me because I don’t want it to impact what could be with this new guy I have been talking to. We work opposite schedules however he makes time for me no matter what which I find admirable. I know that whatever effort someone puts into me, I put it into them ten fold. I feel like that feeling and actions should be mutual but honestly I have never had a relationship like that in my life and I have dated a lot of people! Well, the wrong people (clearly) but still….

I am feeling better getting that trash off my chest. It’s good to be writing again I can say that whole heartedly. Well, I have been writing. But I haven’t been posting much because nothing has seemed “of importance” to go up on the blog. Not like this is that important either, however, it makes me feel better and it could possibly help someone out in a way… I suppose.

Okay that’s it for me…

much love,

Dani