I feel like everything is coming together finally because my new job is starting this Monday. I’m hanging in there financially. I am sober from gambling. I am doing all the right things, but it still doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Nothing ever feels like enough. I clean the house, it gets messy again. Next day, I clean more of the house. It gets messy again. I feel like no one really appreciates me and all that I do. I take care of the dog and the house and I am doing well in school and I’m about to work an eight to five job, full time. I balance everything, but I’m struggling.
Part of me wants to go home and not deal with any of the bullshit anymore but I can’t do that. Well, I can always move back home, my parents have made that abundantly clear and I recognize the privilege that I have. However, it’s not what I really want to do. I enjoy the freedom I have living away from home but I feel like I’m stuck in this 1950’s narrative where I got to do all the inside work whereas Diego does all the work outside of the home. I feel as though he is somewhat hypocritical because he wants me to stay home and do what I have been doing, but complains about having to pay to have me here. I feel as though once I pay the utilities, HOA dues, and for groceries he won’t have the room to complain, but he’ll figure something to complain about anyway.
My mom always tells me that whenever I live with Diego that he starts to expect a lot more than what I can handle. She’s not wrong but it’s like I live here rent free, and pay groceries once a month, so is he really asking too much? No. But I do get frustrated because if I don’t do something that he expects me to do, whether I say I will do it or not, he gets angry. Like the other day, I did dishes, made the beds, cleaned up. I was chilling out or doing homework, I forget which. He says, “Would it kill you to clean up around here?” and points to the cotton balls on the floor because Poncho ripped up his toy right before he got home from work.
Inside, I exploded. Outside, I picked it up because he was too busy watching tv that he couldn’t be burdened with taking out the dog or picking up the mess. I get it; I haven’t been working for the past three months. I get it, I do. BUT. That doesn’t mean he has the right to walk all over me and complains that we don’t spend enough time together because he ignores me when I ask if he wants to hang out. I told him we would go on a date and watch the movie Sing 2 tomorrow (Sunday) before I start work the following day.
Sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk so I can’t be a greater disappointment than I already am 😦