I’m not sure if it’s because I am sick or things aren’t going as planned at the start of this new year that I am feeling super negative toward everything.
I woke up feeling better after spending like 19 hours of yesterday just sleeping. But as soon as I got up to be productive and do some things like dishes and whatnot, my exhaustion hit me. I called my mom on the phone and instead of insisting that I have COVID-19, she asked if I maybe have the flu, which I said I probably do. I think anymore most ill feeling symptoms appear to be like covid and a lot of cases end up being covid, so most other illnesses such as the flu or the common cold are overlooked.
Anyway, regardless of what I have, there most likely isn’t any medicine I can take that will make me feel better so I’ve stuck to lots of water, and herbal tea with honey, and rest.
I got a call from my new job today that they wanted to move me from the office that is closest to Diego’s house and tried to transfer me to a receptionist position right next to my parents’ house. Had I been living there, it would be ideal, but now living with Diego and trying to make things work, I don’t particularly want to drive forty minutes to and from work each day. They thought it would be more ideal because I put my address as my parents’ address which isn’t true but in case Diego and I don’t work out, I don’t want to make the plunge and fully move in here unless I know it’s permanent. But I digress. I told them I wanted the job I currently have and they said that they would email me if anything needed shifting. Which I haven’t received an email yet so I think I will be in the clear.
I guess I am being negative about things because school is already not going the way I planned and I am not sure how I will balance a full work load, full school load, and home duties, personal care/self care, my relationships, etc. I know I am going to have many emotional breakdowns this semester. There just isn’t enough time in the day for everything I want to do. I wish in some ways I could go back to my old job where we worked 12 hour days and had 3 or 4 days off a week. I may have been super tired on those 12 hour days but it allowed me 3-4 days off in the week to do school.
But since that isn’t an option to me at the moment because my ankle isn’t strong enough nor is it safe enough for me to be on the unit with clients who have assaultive histories, I must move on and learn to deal with what I have.
My thought is I should spend less time blogging and more time doing school, but if I pulled a percentage of time spent blogging each day, the percentage would be fairly low in comparison to watching YouTube or doing my budget or just plain goofing off. I just need to get my flow right; the right schedule, the right to do list, the right process.
Of course there is no right way in doing a daily, weekly, or monthly schedule. As many of you all have seen from my blog, I am famous for creating schedules and not sticking to them. They are nice in theory. But I can’t wake up and journal first thing in the morning and then go for a walk when it’s raining outside, all before I have to start work or school. It’s unrealistic for me.
I think that time blocking is a great system for avoiding a strict schedule but creating some organization to your day. Time blocking is creating blocks within the day designated to certain tasks. So for example, it is easy to time block tasks such as sleep or work because you usually try to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day (or you should be doing that haha) and work is generally the same time everyday or you can create a calendar each week if your schedule rotates.
The tedious time blocking comes from working around tasks such as sleep, work, school. You gotta make time to eat, maybe play with your dog, do homework, read your textbooks, learn a new language, you name it. By giving yourself a window of time to do something, and not necessarily putting it at a specific part of your schedule allows you to pick and choose on doing what activity works best for you at each certain time. You may not have a lot of energy at work in the afternoons, so maybe going to walk your dog after work will cheer you up and make you ready to cook dinner and do some late night studying.
Scheduling is a tricky topic because it’s not a one size fits all sort of deal. I kind of went on a schedule tangent when I originally made this post about being negative… weird. I don’t currently have an answer to get out of my negative headspace. I think it has to do with lack of control, I feel. I feel helpless but I have so many options and choices that I know I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s hard to look at the situation from a different perspective.
I am very fortunate and I feel like I have to say so in every post because I know people don’t have the same luxuries that I have. I know that my mental health is pretty good and seeing things negatively can be a sign of depression. Even if it is a sign of depression, it’s a mild trait and I am thankful I don’t feel any worse due to my medication.
There are days I wonder what going off my Lithium might be like because I have other meds to control my bipolar disorder. I feel, if anything, kind of numb, but with a negative affect. The numbness and apathy comes from the lithium because I am on such a high dose. I used to be at 1200mg. But now I am at 900mg/day. I am not going off my meds because I know for me, that would be very bad but I am gonna ask my doctor about reducing my lithium to 600mg/day. That doctor’s appointment is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Maybe it’s my depression/apathy that is making me negative. I feel like I haven’t been happy in a long time and I am not sure if that is an emotional response, a biological response, or something else. If it’s something I can fix, I will try to do so, but if It’s a medication issue, I will also try to address that in the next couple weeks.
When I got my COVID-19 vaccines, it fucked up my menstrual cycle and I didn’t have a period for over six months. My hormone levels were that of a menopausal woman’s. My labs just got rechecked and I find out what the deal is here pretty soon. I think that could also come into play on why I am not happy. Because I honestly don’t think it’s me or what I am doing; it has to be chemical or biological.
Until next time,