Day 29 of the Blogtober challenge. Gearing down and shifting up as we are about to change months and redirect focus on the new things that are to happen here at Precarious Aquarius!
I will be honest. I have been procrastinating rebuilding this blog for a long time because I have been kind of scared of ridicule. Trust me, my plans here do not change the premise of th blog or website or change anything for you all here on how to access content. I just want to improve in the areas I have been lacking in over the past few months due to lack of direction in my life.
I have no sense of follow through with most areas in my life. I talked a little about this yesterday and how I have improved a little bit in this area by intending to complete this blog challenge and sticking with school. But in the same breath, I had to cancel my Oregon trip, had to cancel my tattoo appointment and who knows if and when I will actually end up doing one or both of those things. It makes me feel like a failure when I go one step forward and two steps back.
In my defense, my trip being cancelled was out of my control with Diego’s work schedule suddenly changing to no days off for two weeks and then he ended up getting his four days of vacation. Since I have been off of work due to my most recent foot and leg surgery in May and it suddenly now not being “safe” for me to work on the unit, we spent Tuesday through Thursday together. So Diego and I did not get away, but we had our own getaway staycation together for even longer than originally planned.
During the day Wednesday, I did my required homework for the day which wasn’t much. But it included a psychology discussion board about defense mechanisms. I didn’t read the chapter on the topic quite yet, but after a quick Google search for Freud’s defense mechanisms, I got a little bit of insight.
It is interesting to me the reasons behind each individual’s defense mechanism. I use self deprecation, repression and shutting down all internal and external stimulus when emotions become too much to bare, and dissociate from almost every situation.
I think that and my altruism; wanting to help others to fulfill my own selfish needs rings true to who I am at my core. I want to be loved and needed and appreciated so badly and when anyone thinks less of me, I shut down, zone out, whatever it may be to protect myself from more hurt. This really stems from the terrible abandonment issues I have.
I was never physically abandoned as a child, but my dad was often working and so I think I am left with the end result of the super generic “daddy issues” thing. He usually gave us money and provided for our family as a way of loving us and that’s not what I wanted or needed. I needed quality time to talk to my dad about sports, school, relationships, whatever may have you.
I think it is why I am going into mental health care because I want to feel useful in my profession because I don’t feel useful to my full potential or extent in my personal life. I need people who need me and when I don’t get that, I shut down.
I think the being needed portion of my defense mechanisms comes from my mother’s addiction and mental health issues. She was not sober for my teen years and relied on me as one of the only ones that was on her side. I think I unintentionally enabled her and her addiction to alcohol. I sympathized with her whereas the rest of my family became angry and resentful. I was bitter as well, but more understanding than my dad and my sister may have been.
I use self deprecating humor to make others laugh, even if it means hurting myself and my feelings unintentionally. I was never popular growing up; a lot of people knew who I was, but didn’t like me or thought I was weird. This also affected my feeling of wanting to belong and wanting others to need me because I was mostly a loner. In high school, I drove home for lunch to eat with my mom because I couldn’t bare the idea of sitting at a lunch table by myself and being stared or laughed at. Most of my friends in high school were upperclassmen, took college classes in high school, or were homeschooled.
To get away from it all, I dissociate in most conversations without even meaning too. I think I had so much trauma that happened in my young adult life that I often had a “fantasy” brain and I would imagine the weirdest and wildest things. Sometimes I will be mid sentence and just stop speaking because I get distracted by my own brain.
When I fight with anyone, I tend to shut down and get away from that particular area and try to never revisit the subject again. I do not take critique well; I either cry uncontrollably or get very angry. I hate people not taking me in as the person that I am and if they see me as less than how I view myself, which is highly now as surprising as that may be to some of you, I get upset and start critiquing my own life and my choices and how I am as a human being. I shut down because I can’t listen anymore I can’t hear the negative words that may or may not be projected on to me.
All this stress has trickled down and even though this blog here at Precarious Aquarius is one of my most supportive “safe spaces”, I still am afraid of putting myself out there. I understand I do put all of myself 120% out there for the world to read about, but to try new things in any regard, whether it be with friends, school, work, blogging, etc. is rather difficult. I am painfully shy in real life and my coping mechanism or defense mechanism, I am not sure what to call it, is to be outgoing and basically fake it til I make it with enthusiasm no matter how weird I get.
However, all I want to do for my blog is create a set posting schedule and it will be at the eleventh hour of October 31st for what that schedule will be like for the month of November. I guess I am psyching myself out due to my original issue of lack of follow through and not wanting to post something that doesn’t align with what I previously said. But that’s a me thing, not a you thing.
In the meantime as I work out the kinks in my brain, drop in the comments a greeting and what you think your defense mechanisms are, good or bad. Sorry for the abrupt ending. I walked away from my MacBook and lost all motivation to finish this post off strong because I forgot where I was going with this. Oh well!