Through the past week and a half, I have had a lot of excess time on my hands. Time I would normally spend hanging out at the bar to sing karaoke, going out on dates, meeting new people, or to generally not be at home. Overall, this time has been good for me, I feel. I am able to focus on being successful at my new job and focus on me; learning about myself and rebuilding my relationship with Christ.
In a lot of ways, I have been comparing myself to those around me whether it be my family, friends, or coworkers. Most of my friends that I “see” through Facebook appear happy with their lives. A lot of people are getting engaged, married, pregnant, or just had a baby. I am not one of those people and for a while I really was struggling with that.
I often look at the struggles and adversities in my life as if those are the things that define me, which they are NOT. It’s OKAY that I am not in a relationship, it’s OKAY that I am not having a baby anytime soon. It’s OKAY that I don’t have everything figured out, nor am I supposed to.
Life isn’t meant to be like any sports game where you compete against others for gold, silver, and bronze. Some say, “If you’re not first, you’re last!” and that is simply not true. We are all “first” if we are only competing against our own selves. I strive, and hope you all strive, to be better than you were last month, last year, or even better than you were yesterday.
You cannot change the past, it is important to learn from it, but not to dwell in the past. Rather, dwell in the present. Live every moment you have now to its fullest capacity. Make goals for the future based on your desires and needs, not solely based on your wants. Focus on God or whoever your higher power may be and make plans for the present and future based on that rather than leaning on your own understanding.
If you don’t make time to prioritize yourself now, you’ll be forced to prioritize yourself later when all of your adversities and bullshit catches up to you. That is exactly what happened to me. I was in the moment all of the time, not caring about possible repercussions and now my car is in the shop til early or mid May because of recklessness. I have had so many of my choices taken away from me as a result of my past actions. My life was an exponential downward spiral and this time, I am saying enough is ENOUGH.
I have been clean of gambling since September 14th, 2020. I have never touched hard drugs. I have been clean of marijuana since March 5th, 2021. Now I have been clean of alcohol since March 31st, 2021. I have an addictive personality and each of these substances were not necessarily a problem within itself, but a contributing factor to my dissociative bipolar episodes where I became very self destructive towards myself.
Being clean of all substances for me has forced me to face the music, so to speak. I am not your typical twenty three year old. I can’t have “fun” in the same ways my peers have fun. These things have affected my wellbeing and my family and friends’ wellbeing as well. I currently don’t care about my own well being, but my family means everything to me and I will no longer sacrifice their livelihood for my own vices.
As I have come to realize all of this, I feel as though I am now rectifying my life and I am picking up the pieces to start new. I can’t compare myself to others because they don’t have the same issues that I have. I am not “normal” if there even is such a thing. Sobriety is a good thing and I am cutting out all of the toxic people in my life, which is also a good thing. I am evolving for the better and trying to be closer to God and what He has envisioned for me and my life.
This post is for all the lost folks out there who don’t know what they are doing with themselves or in their life. I wish I had read something like this during my downward spiral, but I am stubborn and apparently like to learn things the hard way. But if you read this, know that you aren’t alone and you don’t need to or have to compare yourself to others. God has designed you in such a way that was so careful and so intricate that He knows you inside and out. He has not left you behind, even when you feel like that is all you deserve.
Although I don’t have the strongest relationship with Christ and I am working on my end of the relationship, I keep saying my favorite scripture over and over again, which is:
“Create in me a clean heart O God and restore a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
You are loved. You are worthy. You are cherished. You are adored. You are thoughtfully and joyfully made and created in His image. Be the best you that you can be. Don’t dwell on the past, dwell on the present. Be in the moment. Create a new or reimagined future. I love you. God loves you. Life is hard for not only be kind to others, but be kind to yourself.
Hopefully this helps you wherever you may be at with your mental state or in your wellbeing.