Birthday month is officially over, which is kind of a relief. 23 has started off with a bang? Or at least some good relationship drama and the likes.
I found out today that when I went into urgent care last month and I thought I broke my foot that my talus was indeed fractured and had some deep tissue swelling. Diego and I fought about that because the doctor told me that my foot wasn’t fractured because the radiologist hadn’t seen the x-ray images yet. He told me it was a waste of time to go to the doctor for a problem that was basically in my head or would be resolved in due time.
When Diego said that, it really rubbed me the wrong way because I seriously thought something was wrong with my foot and the fact that he had the audacity to say that I’m making shit off was beyond me. I just happened to get a text from the medical records app that showed my x-ray results that stated my talus showed to be fractured. The pins and screws in my foot from my most recent surgery seemed to be in tact. So I made an excuse to text Diego these new found results.
I texted him, asking about our dog, Poncho. He reported Poncho was good and getting very big. I told him that my foot was in fact broken and he replies, “nice”. He seemed mad that he was wrong. I asked if it was nice that my foot was broken and he said no he was happy there was a resolution. I ended up going over to his house to see Poncho and I was happy to see him and debrief about the most recent events. I had a MRI scheduled for the 5th of March and my orthopedic surgeon appointment on the 10th. I wouldn’t be surprised if I got my third surgery before the first of April.
I later regretted going over there and doing what I did because I feel as though I’m perpetuating the cycle of us always relying on each other. Diego is a great person and I love him dearly, but when we are together we create this toxicity that’s hard to describe.
I believe that everyone can be or has the ability to be toxic and has those sort of traits. However, with the right atmosphere and the right people around, those traits can be subdued. But with him and I, it’s like a match drawn to a flame; we can’t keep our hands off each other, he degrades me, I can’t be faithful or end things due to my changing mood swings and not being happy. But the physical relationship we have is what keeps us together or at least coming back.
There is no point in trying to make things work because we have tried to make things work and we get the same results every time. It’s just a toxic gas fire when we get down to it. It’s easy to love him and to be in love, but when it takes time and hard work to work out our issues, it can’t be done. We won’t sacrifice, we won’t forgive or forget, we won’t move on. Too stubborn, I suppose. Tragic, really….
Diego texted me this morning asking what we were if our physical… relationship was a one time thing or a friends with benefits type deal, he asked me out to breakfast to talk it out. I joined him because, hello, free food. But all it does is blur the lines further more and if I want to truly get over and move on, I need a break. A good long break from Diego. It’s the last thing I want but I think it’s necessary to recover and to finally breathe clean air that isn’t filled with smoke fumes.
I feel like I’m running, sprinting. Toward this imaginary line and I can’t run or get there fast enough and I can’t breathe. I am panting, I am sighing, I am gasping. For life. For air. To be free. I feel like I’m running in this infinite circle doing the same thing over and over and over again. I can’t get enough of the toxic energy and it reenergizes me momentarily but then I am exhausted furthermore later on. I just need to run away toward the sky, the moon, the stars. To infinity. I just want to be happy and I don’t know how.
Diego feels like such an important piece of being happy but every time I assess my life and I’m with him I… I feel trapped. Like I am suffocating underwater. I can’t live like that, and I won’t. Not anymore. I did the right thing, cutting myself from Diego. I want him in my life but he just can’t be there for me in the capacity I needed him to be there for me. It’s sad and hard. I miss him terribly. He really is a fun and fantastic human, just not to me. I can’t lose sight of that. Not for the sex, no matter how lonely I become. I don’t deserve to be treated as less than even if I see myself as less than.
On that note, I bid you ado.