Proud

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Tonight, Diego told me that he was proud of me for going back to school, for putting in the work and making an effort in our relationship. I told him it was only day 3 of school so he shouldn’t get too excited or proud considering I am not one to usually continue good habits. One might say that is due to my bipolar and another might say it has to do with not wanting myself to succeed or be happy. Or some might say it’s both.

I joked after I said he shouldn’t be too proud that three days of working hour upon hour should count as a full semester of school in my books; three days is like six months the way I operate. I am not really sure why that is, maybe it has to do with my inconsistent ways and my impatience. If I can keep up a good habit for more than two weeks, usually it will stick for a while. But I get bored easily and drop off long before two weeks is over and done with most of the time.

I am the type of person who goes through phases… I get super into one hobby, but then drop it within that two week time frame. Then I move onto the next thing and the next thing. At least when I am manic, that’s how I operate. When I am depressed, I won’t do anything. Luckily I am still coming down from a manic phase with spurts of energy because those spurts are what get me through each waking hour of doing an hour of English in the morning, eight hours of work mid day, and three hours of algebra in the evening and night time.

I guess Diego is proud because I have been talking about school since we moved back in together in October 2020. He never thought much of it since I say I will do a lot of things and (usually) don’t follow through. But the fact that I got to this quarter and have no intention of dropping my classes is a damn miracle and although he is more surprised than anything, pride goes along with it.

But without him, I wouldn’t be here. He was a lot of the motivation behind me quitting gambling, which I have a sobriety date of September 14th, 2020. Without him kicking me out of the house and giving me tough love, I am not sure when I would have hit my rock bottom.

That was a rough time in my life; I hadn’t consistently been on my medication and I was gambling each and every paycheck away. Luckily for me, I never had to default on my loans or credit card payments because I used my inheritance in order to pay down all the loans and credit cards I had opened in order to support my gambling. Not something I am particularly proud of or is it easy to admit, but if my talking about this subject opens someone’s eyes, anyone’s eyes, to the hardships of problem gambling and can help someone in any fashion, then I am doing my part.

I have shaped up a lot since I hit rock bottom; I have now paid off two credit cards out of five. Granted, they had small balances and the other ones are hovering around $4,000 combined, but I am getting there slowly. Each week I get paid, I put money toward my car loan and my personal loan. I have been putting money away in savings; some for school, vacation, and general. I am not eating out more than once a week, I am paying $500 in rent to help Diego out. Not to mention the mental and emotional tasks such as doing what I am saying I am going to do, following through with tasks, cleaning the house, cooking every other night or making lunches for the both of us for work.

Trust is being rebuilt, slowly, but surely. For anyone who struggles with trust issues in a relationship of any kind, just keep faith that things can work out, not all hope is lost. If you want to desperately make things work with your partner, it can and will happen. It takes time, a lot of time and communication. I like having a daily, weekly, and monthly plan. I go over it with Diego as far as what I am doing, where I will be, what I am spending, who I am talking to. It may seem like an invasion of privacy to some, like Diego is being too overbearing, but that’s not the case at all. It was my idea and it’s my plan. Yes he likes knowing all of this information because it helps regain trust that I broke. For me, it’s about feeling like I am in control. If he had told me that I needed to do all of these things in order to regain trust, I would have been very defensive and opposed to the idea. But when I came up with the idea, I felt a sense of control; like he wasn’t controlling me or I him.

But this system may not work for everyone and that’s okay. If you have severe control issues like I did, you may get defensive about telling your partner everything all the time. Or if you’re on the other end and have trust issues with your partner, time is your best friend. I am a firm believer that time heals all wounds and as long as your partner is making strides in the right direction, you must accept that there may be some set backs and that is okay. It’s an uphill battle and you both may stumble and fall, but as long as you get back up and keep going, you’re golden.

I suppose there is a lot to be proud of and hopefully there is more to come. I am on day 4 of school and so far, I am pretty sure I have managed to have a 95% or better in math and most likely a 100% in English. As long as I can keep above an 86% in math and a 90% in English, I will be happy. I mean, the closer I can get to a 4.0 in both classes is better, but I know I am due for a major stint of depression any day now, so if my grades aren’t perfect, that’s okay too.

I still await my acceptance to the University Of Washington Tacoma Campus. The longer I wait, the more my doubts consume me. I mean, the campus has an 85% acceptance rate so I am not sure why I wouldn’t be apart of that figure, but like I said, the longer it takes to get my paperwork in the mail makes me extremely nervous.

It was kind of funny, a mutual friend of Diego and I asked if I got into UWT and he said yes because I was doing homework for school at the time. Little did Diego realize was that I was still going to community college and had not yet been accepted into university. So my friend was hyping me up because she thought I got accepted and I had to say, “What the hell are you talking about?”

No matter what school I attend, I think Diego is proud of me and everything I have accomplished thus far. But he has definitely been my biggest cheerleader and supporter, which is why and how I am pulling off these 16 hour days of school and work.

It takes so little time to say you’re proud of someone, but it means so much. If you haven’t heard it today, I am thinking of you, I am proud of the work you’re doing and remember that you are worthy.

Until next time, friends.

Dani

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