Sometimes I Wonder…

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#Blogtober20 – Day 13

It rained the whole drive over to return my work equipment. Well, I guess it was never really my equipment. It was always the company’s equipment, I was just using it for a simple service. The receptionist took the box of computer parts so fast that I barely saw her coming. My mom came with me to help with the box of parts and I crutched my way through the building to show her where to go.

I didn’t tell my parents I voluntarily quit. I just said I got fired so we could move on with our lives. I think me getting fired from the job was going to be inevitable, so I would much rather quit now than get fired later. Maybe this wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I hated this job. I needed more time for my recovery and if my first leave of absence was unapproved, I’m assuming my second one would have been too. If things had been different, maybe I would have stuck around. But I was treated like trash and I wasn’t paid nearly enough for the work load we had and I wasn’t about that life.

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decisions in my life…

As my mom and I drove by Diego’s house on the way to my now old work office, my mom asked me if it was weird to drive past where I used to live and could still be living there had things gone differently. I said, “No, not really.” And I meant that.

I could have done a lot of things in that relationship to make it work, but I know in my heart, no matter what I would’ve done, Diego still would have been unhappy with me. He was never satisfied, even when I was doing what I was supposed to do. Cooking and cleaning and serving him hand and foot didn’t make him happy, ignoring him made him quite angry, and the house would be trashed if I ignored him or if there was an in-between. He screamed at me for no reason, even when everything was so seemingly great. I don’t deserve to be treated like utter trash.

Part of me wonders if that was the only relationship I was destined to have or ever will have. Then I am quickly reminded that I have many friends and family who love me, but I’m talking about romantic relationships. Not just a friends with benefits situation or a one night stand; a real relationship. Am I destined to find love? Sometimes I wonder….

It is now, when I finally feel content being alone, that I feel this sudden rush of depression overwhelm me. The little things that bring me joy no longer put a smile on my face. My hot tea is just a beverage, not a joyous occasion or a relaxation remedy. I haven’t painted in ages, nor have the desire to do so. The only thing that keeps me going is my writing. I thank God for that because all I need is one reason to keep going; just one.

As the days grow colder and darker, I think of ways to get out of my seasonal depression. I wonder if moving away to a sunny state like California would help with the seasonal depression, or depression in general. The constant sunshine sounds nice right about now as it sit at home with the winds blowing, making the air feel a lot cooler than 50 degrees. Sometimes I wonder if moving away would solve most, if not all of my problems.

Sometimes I wonder if I would be small and sad no matter where I am at. I think it its within me to try to make myself happy. I have my health, despite having major surgery. But even then, I am taking care of myself quite well and my recovery is going smoothly. I have everything I could possibly need or want? What could I possibly be sad about?

Instead of dwelling on all the negativity in my life, I am going to explore the possibilities. I am going to fix what’s broken and enjoy what I can, while I can. Because life is an adventure and I gotta live it up now because sooner rather than later, there will be people and things that will prohibit me from living my best life.

Much Love,

Dani

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