I haven’t been wanting to write this post because I wish it weren’t true. I wish I wouldn’t have fucked up along the way. But the truth is inevitable. And maybe it’s in my best interest, even though I’m at a loss of words.
Diego threw me out of the house and broke up with me.
Long story short, I went to the casino without telling him and won and proceeded to lose the 3,000 dollar jackpot I had won earlier on in that night. I told him about the jackpot as soon as I won it and he said to leave. I was unsure if he meant leave the house or the casino, or both. I grabbed a drink and played a little more and then I was going to leave. The addiction in me is so strong that I lost every dime of my 3k along with the money I was to pay all my bills with.
When I got home late that night, he was so livid with me, he became reserved; quiet. He said had I walked away with 200 dollars out of three grand he wouldn’t have broken up with me. But it wasn’t about the money. It was that we had an agreement for me not to go to the casino alone.
Trust me, I know I’m an idiot and a gambling addict. If losing my hard earned money and then some wasn’t enough, it’s forced me out of my home and if it weren’t for my parents lovingly, and a little angrily taking me back in, I would be homeless. This is a harsh reality I have yet to come to terms with quite yet.
I cried myself to sleep the past two nights on how I could be so fucking stupid. Everyone has been asking me if I could try to work things out, but I’m not sure that I really want to. I’m sure he would take me back once again with a little sweet talk, but now our on and off again relationship has become too toxic to make something work. Not like it wasn’t toxic before, but at least we were almost in a good place.
I don’t want to say anything bad about that relationship or even about Diego. He doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. But I do believe us being together brought out not only the best, but the worst of us. With that being said, the worst of us was extremely toxic as we were, as I have stated before, two moths drawn to a flame, unable to let go, live and let live.
I’m not even mad. How could I be? I’m just at a loss for any emotion. I just let the tears flow when they come. There is nothing left to say.
I’m in the process of moving back in with my parents. I got one week before surgery so I gotta get all my kicks in when I can in regard to going out and enjoying summer at all before I’m off my foot for 6-10 weeks and have a 9 month recovery.
My mom keeps saying I can’t go out to meet “random guys that I meet on the internet” but it’s not like I even could do that because I’m gonna be laid up for so long, so none of it will last long term and no Tinder guy wants to have a relationship over the phone, through text message!
I went on a date last night to the bar and it was nice. We clicked and had fun and there was never a dull moment. But I know it won’t go anywhere, but it still boosted my confidence for whenever I do decide to get back in the dating ring.
Maybe I’m getting too ahead of myself getting right on these dating apps but in my opinion, there is no time like the present to get over an ex of four years and have known for six.
I feel everything and nothing, all at the same time. I just don’t know what to do anymore or what I am able to do. I don’t like to bitch and whine, especially when things are completely out of my control. There is no point, but to make the best of the situation.
Until next time,