Insight

Photo by Matej on Pexels.com

Couldn’t sleep anymore as my 5 hours was more than enough. Keep re-imagining last nights events. I went to a small get together with Diego and friends and it went better than any of my gatherings have ever gone before.

I mean, it wasn’t because of me, but this time around I personally did not disassociate from the surroundings I was in or to the people there, even those I didn’t particularly like. Which is huge for me. It’s really hard for me to not disassociate and zone out from a situation that I’m either a) out of touch with or b) when I’m bored. I was engaged in each conversation and one might even say I was the life of the party.

I truly had fun. The six of us cooked dinner, talked, and played cards against humanity online. i consistently made eye contact with other people, made a lot of jokes, most likely in poor taste, but the crowd seemed to enjoy them. I made a lot of people smile and laugh that night and it was something I have never experienced before. I wouldn’t consider myself a funny person by any means, I am more funny by accident if anything, like when I don’t try to be funny, but rather blunt. But it turns out there are a lot of opportunities for conversation and humor when you actually pay attention to what’s going on. Who knew? Not I.

This is a day, a good day in the books of the bipolar life of Dani. Diego talked to me in the car and begins with, “You were on fire in there! It was incredible! You didn’t disassociate at all, you were in every joke and conversation. I am so proud of you!”

That felt good; the praise for my hard work. It means tonight really paid off, even though I didn’t really want to come in the first place. I never really want to go anywhere or do anything, yet I complain about being home and working from home all the time. But if every social situation was like last night, why wouldn’t I want to continue hanging out with people? That energy and fuel just fires you up. It’s intoxicating.

But why this sudden change? I am at the start of a depression which is where I disassociate the most and want to be around the least amount of people. I think it has everything to do with working from home all the time. I have noticed that I am more observant and talkative when I go out in public because I don’t get any human interaction at home besides the 35 hours a week that Diego is at home. I think last night was a reflection of my loneliness and a willingness to actively do something to change it.

I guess this post is a little reflection for myself in regard to the effort I put into that social situation last night. I am very pleased, but don’t need any praise. It’s just another check point of where I am at socially, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It’s not that big of a deal, but it really is. If it wasn’t a big deal, I wouldn’t be as proud of myself as I am now. So I am going to feel good for the next hour and a half and hopefully it lasts long enough to get me through the work day when I need a pick me up.

Dani

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