I am all about self improvement. I have come a long ways, even since beginning my blog. But I also have a long ways to go to be better. Part of that journey is knowing what helps and hinders you, no matter what you suffer from. For me, it’s bipolar disorder. That’s my demon.
5 Worst Things about Being Bipolar
- The medication. I fucking hate it, taking my meds ruin my day and my self confidence. I wish my body produced these chemicals in the medicine so that I would’t have to put so many other toxins into my body. Also, I take horse-sized pills so it’s legitimately hard to swallow. Most of the time, I gag or throw up my pills soon after talking them. I don’t even try to make myself get sick, it just happens.
- The addict inside of me. I don’t like that I having a shopping and gambling problem. I don’t like not having control over my actions and thoughts. So when I get an idea in my head, I must act on it. It kills me inside not doing what I want, when I want. I am so impulsive/compulsive that it hurts those around me as well as myself, as I dig myself deeper into a rabbit hole.
- The Discrimination I face. I have been discriminated by multiple individuals and by former employers who fired me after finding out that I was bipolar. I lost friends because they couldn’t handle my depression or my mania. People look at me different when I say the word. It just makes me angry, and then a person assumes that I would become dangerous because I have this disorder. I am the least violent, least harmful person there is and for someone to think that I would explode or potentially become violent is hard.
- The Trust issues. Nobody fucking trusts you when you’re bipolar. They don’t trust your words, your actions, any fiber of your being. I mean, I know I am in control of my impulsive behavior, but when I go out on a whim, there is the point of no return. Once I reach a certain magnitude of my mania, I legitimately cannot control my actions. That obviously leads to lack of trust and makes it harder to build and rebuild relationships. Regardless of what I do, my actions have consequences.
- People constantly checking in on me. Some say it’s considerate which is true. But a lot of the time it is just overbearing when someone asks if I’m taking my meds, check my pill boxes, do the things I promised I would do myself, asks how is therapy, etc. I have no ability to be held accountable due to this sort of behavior. It’s out of care and love, but sometimes I just want to be independent and prove to everyone else how well I’m doing.
5 Best Things About Being Bipolar
1. Intensity. I love feeling things so deeply. I feel things from moment to moment so vividly and passionately and that is an ability that most won’t possess in their entire lifetime. I wouldn’t want to feel any other way because it’s all I know.
2. Creativity. I see things from a much different perspective than most of my peers or colleagues. So I can create something truly unique; I have something to truly offer the world through art. Whether it be my blog, vlog, drawing, painting, cooking, you name it, I’m creating something on some platform.
3. The Mania. This would seem like a downside to most but sometimes it’s therapeutic to stay up all night painting or working on a home project. To finally feel good for once… well, feels good. It’s quite addicting. There are of course downsides to mania like when you eventually crash but I like to enjoy the ride as long as possible before I fall off.
4. Good Coping Skills. In therapy and with life experiences, I have learned a shit ton of coping mechanisms / ways to self care. Everyone needs coping mechanisms to get them through certain rough patches, keep them grounded and on track. But most don’t realize this until they are having a midlife crisis. I know what my hobbies are, what my strengths and weaknesses are. I am able to persevere in spite of a potentially debilitating illness. How many people could do what I do?
5. Unique Perspective. Because I deal with adversity and discrimination fairly regularly and constantly get back up again, I know what it’s like to persevere as a millennial, I know what it’s like to fight for my rights as a female. I know what it is like to have unseen diseases and to have non-diagnosed illnesses. I know what it’s like to conquer bipolar disorder. Obviously everyone’s perspective is different, but I have a multi-faceted, non-jaded perception of the world. I struggle with so much adversity that I have overcome that most people won’t face over the course of a lifetime. I use that adversity to relate to others and help them overcome their own adversities.
I tend to think the good overpowers the bad, but the bad makes me stronger so it’s almost a plus. I wouldn’t want things to be any other way because without my adversity, I wouldn’t be, well… me. I lack jadedness despite the discrimination. I am actually able to function in society with my medication, even if it makes me sick taking it. I have people whom care and love me. It’s a daily struggle to overcome addictions and trust issues, but that’s what makes life worthwhile.
See? Those were all positive attributes for my list of the worst things about bipolar disorder. It’s all about perspective. By seeing things with the light, it overcomes the darkness. The light just intensifies the light and you have more positives.
Til next time,