What I Want

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Sixty seven. This is my sixty seventh post to this blog and I thought I would have had this “blogging thing” down by now. But no. It’s confusing, yet intriguing. It’s helpful to my bipolar, yet not at the same time. I don’t enjoy reliving the past through these God awful memories, but it’s supposed to be therapeutic more so than painful.

I thought I would still have more to write about, but I am a well run dry. There are so many blogs about mental illness and bipolar as a whole that I don’t feel as though my own words, thoughts, and feelings make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

I thought I would have more followers by now. I know I say this blog is about me, myself, and I (which it is, that hasn’t changed) I just thought there would be more human interaction through comments and likes. If I go to a person’s blog who follows my page, I usually try to comment on their content or give the post a like, but then I hear nothing back.

I don’t know if I am blogging wrong. I don’t know what I do well. If anything, I am at best clueless. Which is a terrible indication in the matter of personal growth.

What I Want From This Blog

I want this blog to be about personal growth; not only for me, but for you. That’s why you are reading about bipolar and mental illness as a whole. You want to learn and get something out of it at the end of each blog post. I want to grow in my writing skills and in my knowledge of bipolar disorder. I have personal experience with bipolar disorder because I am living it, otherwise known as practical knowledge. I don’t have a lot of academic knowledge when it comes to this disorder. I have done my fair share of research, yet there is only so much you can learn when most academic articles say the same, generic thing. So by writing this blog from a personal standpoint, it opens a door to new perspective that the academic world cannot comprehend.

Consciousness. To be conscious is to be awake and aware, even diligent about your surroundings. I want to be diligent and conscious about what I say and write in this blog, no matter the content. Without awareness, I am therefore ignorant, which I believe no one wants to be. I know that sometimes I write about controversial subjects such as my own belief in God, along with political and social movements going on, and with that, I try to be aware that not everyone who reads my blog believes in God or my political stances. So when I talk about God, I say how He has helped me in the grand scheme of things, rather than preach the gospel which other nonbelievers can find isolating. When I share about political and social movements, I try to be diligent in providing a different perspective based on personal experience. Without consciousness, each blog post would be an unwarranted rant, which I would like to think no one cares to read.

Communication. I touched a little about comments and likes in my paragraph about growth, but in order for me to grow, I need interaction. I can determine that I am doing something right when I receive a “like” on a post, but what am I doing right? Is it my grammar, my words themselves, syntax, writing flow, topic choice, relatable content? As a writer, comments of praise or critique or questions make me analyze what I write and grow in how I do so in the future. Sure, it feels great when you agree with my point of view, but why? Surely I fucked up somewhere in this post because editing is not my strong suit, so how did I fuck up? Also if you don’t want to comment, you are more than welcome to email or even text me! I welcome it! Maybe we can video chat and collaborate and make something awesome! All my contact information is in my About section of my blog.

End Result. Overall, I want you and I both to grow as human beings. I share my traumatic stories even when it hurts me because it may help you in your life. Eventually these stories will get easier to share with time, but until then I am pained to share about my mom and her schizophrenia and about my rape story and whatever else I have shared about. I endure the pain to GROW. No pain, no gain. Hopefully at least one person gets something out of my posts, sometimes it just feels useless. :/

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