What I Needed

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Let me start out with saying that COVID-19 is the worst global pandemic that my generation has faced thus far. But with that being said, we, as a world, have and will come together and turn our Earth into something better, brighter, and more beautiful for our youth. The best is yet to come and as we deal with an increasing death toll minute by minute, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My life, for better or worse, has been entirely different since the beginning of March when the U.S. started to truly recognize the pandemic. Not in the ways you would think. For the month of March I held an essential job in the medical field. I ended up quitting abruptly out of anger towards management. I was asked to leave early one day for “not doing my job” and then I never went back. I went back on unemployment, which I have yet to receive compensation for after 7 weeks of continually applying, doing the required paperwork, etc. I have continually had to borrow money from my parents and Diego, otherwise I would have defaulted on my loans and credit card payments. I now have taken $5,000.00 dollars out of my mutual fund to pay back my parents and Diego, pay ahead on my loans and credit cards and have a little extra cash until I receive unemployment benefits.

Until the middle of April, I was dating a guy that I met from Tinder back in January. I broke things off because I wanted to be with Diego. Things didn’t happen the way I had intended them to be, which was to elope and get married to Diego… but we are very much together and focusing on starting a new relationship unlike all the others we have had together before our engagement.

Without any money, I haven’t been going anywhere. Everything is closed anyways which is fine with me. My only outings have been on walks around town and to the local grocery store where Diego works in order to get groceries for my family. I have spent most of my days with my mom and sister, as we all have been focused on conscious eating and working out. “Conscious eating” is just being aware of what you’re putting in your body and trying to log what you eat. I use My Fitness Pal which tracks your carbs, fats, sugars, and protein, along with calories. I have been using my Fitbit to track my steps, my menstrual cycle, water intake, active minutes, floors climbed, heart rate. Best part about both apps is that they can be linked together so you don’t have to log in your physical activity or calorie intake into the other app!

My bipolar has been the best it has ever been. I am not sure if it has to do with COVID-19 or not, but it provides the society of non-essential workers a chance to slow down, take a break, and come together as a family. Besides the financial strain I have endured due to not receiving unemployment benefits, I feel as though there is a lot less pressure to make great use of my time. I have learned that it’s okay to take a a lazy day or two and do nothing productive. I also learned that if I personally do that everyday, it makes my depression that much worse, so I try to follow a more or less schedule of when I wake up, what I eat (conscious eating), exercise, doing at least one chore a day, whether it be laundry, clean the bathroom, help Diego run errands while he’s at work, etc. The rest of the day is mine to look for jobs and apply, blog, paint, talk to friends, you name it.

In some ways, I am thankful for the pandemic and how it has brought me closer to my sister and my mom. Since my mom became sober, we have increasingly gotten closer than ever before. But with this pandemic, we shop weekly together, we cook together, we journal/blog together, and we inspire each other to eat right and do what’s best for our bodies. My sister and I have struggled in our relationship. We got into a huge fight before her wedding which caused me to become uninvited and then re-invited. Since she has been not working, she, as a personal trainer, has helped my mom and I get on the journey of better health and goes on walks with us, which has improved our relationship greatly.

The past month I have been hypo-manic which has easily allowed me to be more social and talk to more people and become very active. I start to feel myself slip into a depressive state, which I am not ready for. I feel as though I just got my life back on track and I was doing so well. How in the world can it already be time for me to go deep into a depression?

I learn something new everyday with my bipolar disorder and today I have learned that it’s okay to let yourself be sad, even if you have no reason to be sad at all. I’ll leave you all with a quote from my favorite character:

“It never hurts to keep looking for sunshine!”

Eeyore, the donkey

Til Next Time,

Dani

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