L.O.V.E.

When I think of love, I think of the song by Captain and Tennille that sings “Love will keep us together”. I also think of when you are there emotionally for someone when they need you most. I think of that a lot. I have had a lot of people in my life who have had their own issues going on in their own lives and have dropped everything to be there for me in my bipolar days. I also think of what would have been my wedding day. For those who don’t know, I was engaged for not a long time, but long enough to have planned out a whole wedding and walked away from what I thought was the love of my life. That concept plagues me and I still struggle with it.

I am gonna give a brief shout out to my best friend, Brent. I met him at the grocery store I worked at when I was sixteen and as we worked together, we have become inseperable. Nearly six years later, our friendship has been stronger than ever. He was very supportive of everything that I do. He calls me the play maker and he follows whatever call I make in my life. He gives advice from a loving place if need be, but ultimately lets me make my own choices regardless if they are inherently good or bad. Which I appreciate tremendously. When I first told him about my blog, he of course was very supportive of the idea and became my first and well only email follower. He reads all my posts and gives me much praise, even though I don’t think my writing is fine tuned just yet.

The reason I mention him in the post is because I am going to shout out all the people I love and care about. But don’t worry, Brent, I’m not quite done yet. As he always says, it’s not just words with us when we say I love you to one another throughout the day. He, on many occasions, has and would drop everything he’s doing for me. No matter when I text or call, he’s there. And if he can’t be there, he will be as soon as he is able to. I don’t know much about football, but I am going to roll with these analogies. As a play maker, I would be nothing without my team that supports me and carries us ALL into championship games. Win or lose, we are a team and we are family. As I often say, we are ride or die. Even when I have said hurtful things and done terrible by him as a friend and loved one, he has forgiven me. I have said one unmentionable hurtful thing to him about six months back and I still regret it to this day. It changed the course of our relationship forever. I would blame bipolar for it, but I have no one to blame but myself. Like I have stated before, bipolar gives me a reason behind my actions, but never an excuse. So for that, Brent. I am forever sorry. I think we are now closer than ever and I’m so honored to be your ride or die.

I want to shout out my parents and my sister. Through everything we have all been through individually and collectively, we should either be dead or all hate each other. We have a very odd dynamic, but at the end of every phone call, end of a conversation, and at the end of the day, we care for one another and say that we love each other. This time around being manic, each of them expressed concern and care for me. It was very weird to me because I didn’t realize they kept up on my mood swings, and I find it semi-annoying that they seem to care too much, but it is oddly comforting and satisfying. I love them to death and tell them consistently. I have almost lost each of them to fights that started wars and to death too many times to not see their value and worth in my life, no matter how many times I feel they have wronged me.

And that leaves Diego. Oh, Diego. What am I going to do with you. I got drunk last night and texted you a meme and that sparked and unplugged so many different emotions. Our supposed wedding day was six months ago now and I still think about it daily. You are now closing on a house, your first home, without me. It is something that we had been planning to do for quite some time and been looking forward to it. I do admit the toxicities that we are when we are together, but there is no one I would rather talk to when we are apart. We are moths drawn to a flame and keep getting burnt the more we close in on it. But I think I have come to realize that I love you and I always will, like you said to me last night. Part of me wishes things would’ve worked out. It wouldn’t have been easy, it never was with us, but I call you the love of my life with and for good reason. The other part? Wants to move on and is struggling on how to do so. God give me strength in how to do so.

I believe everyone is inherently good. I am an extremely empathetic person which is why I took care of my mother during her days struggling with alcohol addiction and when she almost died from schizophrenia. It’s why I date broken people and try to fix them. It fills a whole in my heart when I try to help others. Really I need to help myself and learn to love myself before I can truly love others. It’s easy to see the flaws in others and help them build new foundations, but to see my own flaws and work on them is a whole different ball game.

Without our team, we would be nothing. Each person in existence is the play maker to their own destiny. Give thanks to your team and send them your love next time you see them because they make your dreams possible and eventually come true.

Til next time,

Dani

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