I woke up at 4:50 a.m. this morning, much like I would any morning after passing out at 11 p.m. the night before. You see, I don’t sleep much and my sleep is very erratic. I can either sleep for either 3 hours a night or sleep for 16. But my sleep is never consistent. The fewer hours I sleep, the less consistent it is. The longer I sleep, the more depressed I am once I finally begin my day. Usually if I sleep 12 hours a night, I start falling asleep by 2 a.m. wake up at 5ish and I’m up til 8 a. m. So that’s three hours down. Then I will sleep from 8 a.m. to noon. That is seven hours. I wake up and eat or run errands and then sleep from 1 p.m. til 5 or 6. I justify that last bit of sleep saying that I am taking a “nap”.
Most would suggest if I went to a bed at a decent hour, I could more or less sleep through the night and not waste my day. But without me working, and even if I was, I can’t turn my brain off at night. Usually from 9 p.m. – 12 a. m. I am painting or drawing or blogging. Or I’m out at the bar singing karaoke. Even after I get home from karaoke, I still make time for my “me” activities because it helps to unwind and turn my brain off.
So this morning I write to you at 6 a.m. about my depression. I will probably fall asleep after this but maybe I force myself to stay awake? Anyways. I have struggled with depression since I was fourteen years old. A lot of what I was going through at that age triggered me to become sad all of the time, but not having much of an outlet for it or a support group made my symptoms worse. Even if I did have an outlet for my depression, I lacked the energy to do something with that outlet and become productive.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression aka major depressive disorder by my doctor. I was sad most of the time and had symptoms of feeling worthless, not good enough, lethargic and sleepy throughout the day, lack of restful sleep, overthinking, lack of concentration, suicidal thoughts (rarely, but it happened), things weren’t fun any more that used to be fun, and social isolation. I was basically the poster child for clinical depression because I checked all the boxes.
That diagnosis worked until I was eighteen when I began to experience recklessness, mood swings, irritability, a sense of euphoria at times, and compulsive behavior. I was diagnosed with bipolar two disorder, the less severe version of bipolar because my manic episodes were less severe than most and was still experiencing primarily symptoms of depression.
Another four years later I sit in my bed, typing this blog, depressed. I am all of those symptoms that I stated above, without the suicidal thoughts. Depression consumes you until you are nothing but a lifeless corpse, going around, trying to live life to the best of your ability. Depression truly is a life taker. I have been low cycling (a term mental health professionals use to say that you’re in a depressive state) for about a month now, consistently being sad. After being manic for the previous month and a half, going out partying all the time, and making reckless decisions, I need a break from that lifestyle. I need a break from being sad or manic, but I have no way to pause my life so I guess I will take this state of mind over my manic self any day because the repercussions of manic episodes are a lot harder to come back from since when I am depressed, I just sleep. No need to apologize to anyone for sleeping too much.
I am about due for an upswing in my manic depressive cycle, so we shall see where I end up!
Til next time,