It’s 3:48am. Any normal person would be finally asleep at this point. My husband works the super early shift and starts work at 4am (gross) and it’s kinda nice having him home all afternoon but it definitely throws my sleep schedule off getting up with him by 2:30am, making sure I make him some coffee and connect with him before he leaves for 8-10 hours.

I’ve been usually staying in bed while he gets ready because I haven’t been super well lately. But today he asked for coffee when his alarm blasted out for the 11th time in a thirty minute period. I woke up to the first alarm and he wakes up to the last around 3am. Ugh. I love that man but turn off your freaking alarm lol.

But today I did my wifey due diligence. Now he’s off to work and im having. a cup of coffee myself; something I never do. I like coffee to an extent, but I like coffee creamer more than coffee so as disgusting as that is, I drink like 6oz of coffee and then a lot of vanilla coffee creamer with it. I feel like I’d have to drink 6 of my homemade drip coffees to get any energy… hence Red Bull. I drink that sh!t like a champion. But I was cold, so warm coffee it is.

I titled this blog what I did because it was a song lyric for one of the songs I was jamming out to this morning. I feel like I am always trying to learn how to live in my head as well as my body, mind, and spirit.

Although I do feel like my body is betraying me a bit as of lately. I had been to the ER 3 times in the last two weeks because a) I currently don’t have health insurance or extra cash to see my PCP doctor and b), my pain has been excruciating and I was over it.

I’d been having lots of what I thought to be urinary issues which is no surprise with my bladder issue, Interstitial Cystitis. But this was different pain. They did a CT of my abdomen and a pelvic ultrasound which hurt like hell for me but doctors think I have endometriosis. I know nothing about this illness other than most people who have it can’t or choose not to have children which is the fact that my grandmother-in-law noted when I told her my diagnosis after she inquired with how I was feeling since she knew I was in the ER. Basically that was her version of why Kyle and I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. She was very sad and distraught.

I mean, I wasn’t intentionally not trying to have kids, but makes sense why I have never ever been pregnant in all my life despite efforts were made to not have protected sex. I’m not opposed to not having kids, I thought during this season of job loss for me was not the particular time to start trying for a baby. But I do see how happy people are with their kids which makes me a little jealous… I do know that we aren’t financially ready for a child just because we feel a certain way or that we *need* a kid. I know it devastates Kyle, he wants to be a dad but he said he will always want to be with me despite if we have kids or not.

I have been prescribed pain meds, not much, but some for the pain I’m experiencing. I’m not a fan considering I was given three vicodin in the hospital and without food or water so once I was discharged, I told Kyle I was hungry and to stop at Taco Bell for dinner. But next thing I knew, I pointed for him to pull into a parking spot because I was going to puke up my pill and that I did; all while slamming my left hand in the passenger door, trying to hold onto the door to stabilize me while I was bent over throwing up. As embarrassing as that was, I’m trying to act like I didn’t just slam my hand in the door. I was a mess.

Mental health has been ok. I’m coming off of a manic spree so to somewhat normalize before going into a depression is nice. I tend to separate my schizophrenia symptoms from my bipolar symptoms even though schizoaffective is a mixture of the two. I was diagnosed bipolar for eight years before getting my schizoaffective diagnosis, so I see my reality in terms of bipolar not so much schizoaffective UNLESS I have delusions, hallucinations, and paranoia, then I see things from an all encompassing light.

I am always trying to learn how to improve myself. A lot of that has to do with my writing and self reflection. I’m decent at documenting information but not as good at reading and interpreting the information that I collect. Something I gotta work on…

That’s the few thoughts I have. Thanks for reading #Blogtober25 !

Dani